I can no longer feel, if I could I wouldn't know what to feel at this point

No internet - (posted late)

I know all I’ve done with this blog is written a bunch of disorganized, useless bullshit. And I don’t think I can do much else, there is no point for you to be reading this because there’s no way I can make it helpful or enjoyable. I don’t know why I write these.

I’ve never been a truly happy person that I can recall, I’ve never really been accepted in society as normal. Which I am okay with because I am completely against society, but maybe this is because it never accepts the people who probably need to be accepted most. It makes people with mental illness, or depression or any problems that are not their fault feel abnormal and like there’s something wrong with them and they begin to feel isolated. Which, I can tell you does not help their case.
I don’t see myself being accepted anywhere or fitting in. I prefer to spend all my time alone, completely alone with my music, though I rarely really feel like I’m alone, but when I do it’s very difficult to cope. When I’m around others I get this feeling of distance and loneliness no matter what. I feel so detached from everything and from reality itself.
So this forces me to spend my time alone because it’s easier for me without others around, I don’t have to pretend anything, pretend I’m totally fine- When I am so far from fine.
But when I spend time with just myself, I begin to feel scared of myself. And the fact that I’m always scaring myself makes me feel like I must scare others and I tend to push them away. I don’t want my pain to hurt others it just seems so unnecessary.
I have so much trouble communicating and expressing myself, why should I bother trying?
Whenever I try, I try hard but I can’t even manage and no one understands I always feel misread. Also, the people in this world I’m closest to should know what’s going on with me, they should be able to understand but I can’t help them. I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want help, I just want them to understand what I’m going through because right now, I feel there is no way I can satisfy anyone or be my true self. So I assume people will misread me and see me as a stupid bitch, when I’m just having so much trouble coping.
Coping with my depression ( Which is always cycling ), and I don’t always need people asking me what is wrong when they should just know. I’m not going to have a new answer every time they ask. And I always feel like I’m being analyzed and put on display whenever people ask me questions involving how I’ve been feeling etc. I’m not a broken toy that you can just put back together and keep playing with as if it’s new. I’m not broken, and you can’t fix me. This world, if anything, is ‘broken’, fix that, and maybe I’ll feel a little better. Or would that be too much work?- When you could just leave me.
I expect sooner or later everyone who I get close to will, if I could, I’d leave myself.
I believe NO ONE cares what I feel, they care how I make THEM feel.
The human race is incredibly selfish, relationships are lies. You have a relationship with someone because it makes you feel good, you care about the person because they make you feel good. But when nothing effects me, I’m completely numb, and I feel no true emotion anymore, why should I have relationships, I don’t need them and there’s no way I can hold up my end of the bargain. I’m bound to disappoint, because I’m not ever going to get better.
Also, I know it would ‘hurt’ people if I were to, say, kill myself, but that’s the only thing I think about now; suicide. I get these overpowering urges every 10 minutes at least, that I have incredible difficulty with, keeping in control, resisting them.

Sometimes I even consider calling up my old psychotherapist as she had told me to if I ever felt desperate. I know if nothing changes (I don’t want to say if I don’t get help but that may be my only option now considering I feel so hopeless on my own) that I won’t make it much longer, especially with school starting up again in a few days. That will be very difficult.
I’m waiting for the online early screening test for schizophrenia to start running again sometime in September, and until then I don’t think I’ll end up reaching for much help no matter how desperately I need it. I don’t want to be just another project for some psychotherapist, the source of their fucking paycheck. I don’t want to reach out to friends or family too much because I’ll just end up hurting them and I know they’ll just tell me to go get professional help, which is what everyone does when I mention anything, I guess it just scares them. I’m fucking terrified; rather, I would be if I cared enough to feel anything real.

Outside - Staind

Don’t even read this you fucking asshole!

No internet connection - (posted late)

Hate is all I do

Fuck society, leeches to it.
Fuck religion, god worshippers
Fuck church, the fanatics
Fuck America, and its laws
Fuck yellow shirts, the assholes in them
Fuck white-rimmed sunglasses, the douches in them
Fuck store-bought shit, the Asians who made it, their shitty driving
Fuck Bad music, the listeners
Fuck morals, the ones who force theirs on you
Fuck reputations, the shallow ones who judge you
Fuck designer brands, the bitches who wear them
Fuck earth, and life on it
Fuck this blog, me for writing it
And you, for reading it.

Sweet Dreams – Marilyn Manson