The few days I've probably needed my boyfriend, and my best friend the most in my entire life I'm hoping just passed but I'm sure arent done...
They claim to be here for me, and my family is. But really, in the end what does any of that mean. NOTHING. FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NOTHIGN
IM JUST GOING TO FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCKKIGN! DIE. just like you, fuck.
last night was the worst night, with my anger/ schizo episodes
worst,
i got enough concsience and care to text jon, but couldnt seem to get out what id texted him forand didnt really think he cared or understood
i dont think anyone would.
havent talked to chanelle in awhile
though i cant say how long its been, CONSIDERING I GET REALITY MIXED UP WITH MY IMAGINATION, i have horrible time perception, and i don't even know what happens or what doesnt at this point. I used to think, and believe i was crazy
lmfaaaAAAAOO
who wasi to think that a few years ago
i may have been weird, but i had NO idea how fucked up a person could get
i do now.
i cant express it to anyone
no one know
or understands int eh FUCKING least
cause their all sane
sane as anyone can be at least
fuck the fake problems, there are real ones out there that dont compare to the ones you may think you have you fucking idiot.
YOU DONT KNOW FUCKING SHIT
best friend was cooped up for the weekend, before asking me to hangout ro anything she had my boyfriend over, cant say that im angry
cause at least point
im too FUCKED
and too fucking numb to feel shito
but its preetty weird, and maybe its just me, you knw what, i bet it is
everything FUCKING my fault.
somehow
everything is.
or maybe it is as fucked as i think it is but i could care less, i cant think strqight
especilly about 'real' shit, when ive got all this other shit in my head
which in REALITY lets call it, no one actually GIVES A FUCCCCCKK ABOUT
they just care about hopw it eeffects them,
and its obviously an aggravating nuissance to them so i try not to talk to anyone
i need a few more days
to drink
get high
and be alone
.
this will probably in the end make everything worse. biut for now its all i cant FUCKING HANBDLELRWEAWjgsjkgfidhfghfsdkhghgdfdhfdhjfghfgiohjgfhfdhkgghkfddddddddddddddddddddddddd
8/15/09
Goodmorning You Fuck
I'm going to have to start smoking weed everynight, it helps me sleep. Once the initial high wears off at least. I've been told that it can increase the risk of schizophrenia but I'm pretty sure it's too late for me, which would be why I'm going to start smoking it frequently, again.
Also it can put you further into depression apparently, but at this point I don't care, I'm just barely holding on and trying to get through the present, I don't give a fuck about the future.
I don't believe I have one.
Haha oh old bad habits...
I, at least, will probably always go back to them.
I've been bingeing and starving, biting my nails till they bleed, not to mention cutting.
The first two probably don't help me much or matter, and the last one I'm pretty ashamed of. I know I shouldn't be, not because it hurts me obviously, but the few people who care about me don't like it. I don't want to upset them, should I even tell them? For now I'm thinking no, because it's my only option left now for living at all.
Only once in awhile now do I get a few seconds of my sanity back. Where everything, mostly, looks the same. I feel slight happiness and normality. It's nice. That never lasts long.
I sometimes have to ask people if something happened or didn't. Because my take on reality is so fucked now. I don't know what's real, but if something feels real to me, then I guess it is real to me...
No Jesus Christ - Seether
Also it can put you further into depression apparently, but at this point I don't care, I'm just barely holding on and trying to get through the present, I don't give a fuck about the future.
I don't believe I have one.
Haha oh old bad habits...
I, at least, will probably always go back to them.
I've been bingeing and starving, biting my nails till they bleed, not to mention cutting.
The first two probably don't help me much or matter, and the last one I'm pretty ashamed of. I know I shouldn't be, not because it hurts me obviously, but the few people who care about me don't like it. I don't want to upset them, should I even tell them? For now I'm thinking no, because it's my only option left now for living at all.
Only once in awhile now do I get a few seconds of my sanity back. Where everything, mostly, looks the same. I feel slight happiness and normality. It's nice. That never lasts long.
I sometimes have to ask people if something happened or didn't. Because my take on reality is so fucked now. I don't know what's real, but if something feels real to me, then I guess it is real to me...
No Jesus Christ - Seether
Fuck forced education!
No internet connection - (posted late)
The thought of the summer ending terrifies me
It’s not that I love the season, though apart from the bugs it’s pretty nice I suppose. I still prefer Autumn…
It’s that I know how much more I’ll fall apart with having to wake up and go to school every morning. Having to see the perverted asshole faggots coming to their first year of high school, and the girls who think they’ll own it. My old bitch friends. Asshole ex’s. Asshole teachers. Authority altogether pisses me off, so I piss them off, which makes them piss me off more. The horrible music in the halls. The loud obnoxious dumb bitches everywhere. Schedules. Homework. Projects. Classmates. Rules. FUCK, I just can’t do it. And the days when my best friend will evidently miss due to sickness and whatnot will kill me inside. The ones I know I’ll skip…
Last year I skipped about half my classes in the second semester, and the ones I went to I was high as a kite or asleep. Didn’t meet my guidance counselor till she tracked me down for missing classes and my teachers had given her some of my, I guess morbid, projects or work which was apparently inappropriate… Fuckin bull. She’d call me to her office everyday to ‘check-in’ and force me to tell her how unhappy I was and ask me shit I hadn’t told anyone. Claimed she’d keep it to herself, I never trusted anyone but I figured, what the hell I don’t give a fuck anyways and hoped she’d leave me alone. But naahh, she decided to tell my whole family shit. Told me to see a psychotherapist, so I dealt with her, my doctor, my family, and of course the retro dumbshit therapist. That was brutal. This year is bound to be worse, considering I’m starting off on an even worse note than last year. Dreading it instead of looking forward to it. I’ll be done as soon as I step into my first class. I guarantee I will not be able to get through it.
Although my guidance counselor attempted to make me some kind of project of hers, tried to make me better but no one can. She either has sympathy or intrigue, either way I’m sure I guilt trip her into helping me get out of classes and change most of them as well. That’s about the only positive thing I can think of; that I can manipulate my guidance counselor. Wow.
I Want To Kill You Like They Do In The Movies – Marilyn Manson
I will be the next serial killer
No internet connection - (posted late)
I am, right now, sitting in the clubhouse as the court attendant at this shitty tennis courts job on a Friday night. It’s quite sad, though I haven’t worked in awhile so I may make it through this shift alive. My best friend has strep throat. My mom found that I had Jon sleepover last night so I’m not allowed to go out for a coupla days, but I can have people over so I’m not too upset over that. Plus alone time is always nice anyways...
I haven’t written recently, since my trip I guess. That’s because, well I guess cause I don’t care enough and that I’ve been trying to get my life on track. Whatever that track is, I’m still not on it and if I am that’s really depressing. Anyways basically I hate using sayings like that but I don’t much know how to put it any better than that.
Everything’s still ultimately fucked.
I think I was born to be alone though, I have difficulty with relationships and I love being alone. I can only cope and have a relationship with very few people, I have to REALLY like them, a motherfucking lot. But still, I know I’m not good enough, for any of this.
If anything happens, meaning I’ll most likely scare Jon away somehow and if something happens to my relationship with Chanelle, I know she can put up with whatever may be wrong with me cause she’s used to it now I don’t see what could separate us… anyways run-on sentence there… I just mean if the relationships I still have now fail, I will never have any others. If I care enough about someone to open up to them and give what I’m capable of to the relationship because I couldn’t live without them, I am with them now. Not at this specific moment obviously. And obviously I’m too confused by everything to write a decent post that makes any sense at all. But there’s no one else in this world I could love enough to want to spend time around, apart from the people I do now. I also wouldn’t want to burden anyone else I could have any relationship with. It’s too late for the people who are already in my life, sucks majjooorrr for them.
I’m too close to the edge now to deal with and strong emotions or any amount of stress.
Work. Planning. Cleaning. Lectures. School. Argument. Children. Asians. Restlessness. My inability to sleep. Conversation. Boredom. Memory Failure. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Relationships. Crowds.
This FFUCCKING world.
It’s too much. Without all of that, I have trouble coping with even myself…
I fucking give up on this post. I can’t express anything I want to this is bullshit.
Respect – Pantera
I am, right now, sitting in the clubhouse as the court attendant at this shitty tennis courts job on a Friday night. It’s quite sad, though I haven’t worked in awhile so I may make it through this shift alive. My best friend has strep throat. My mom found that I had Jon sleepover last night so I’m not allowed to go out for a coupla days, but I can have people over so I’m not too upset over that. Plus alone time is always nice anyways...
I haven’t written recently, since my trip I guess. That’s because, well I guess cause I don’t care enough and that I’ve been trying to get my life on track. Whatever that track is, I’m still not on it and if I am that’s really depressing. Anyways basically I hate using sayings like that but I don’t much know how to put it any better than that.
Everything’s still ultimately fucked.
I think I was born to be alone though, I have difficulty with relationships and I love being alone. I can only cope and have a relationship with very few people, I have to REALLY like them, a motherfucking lot. But still, I know I’m not good enough, for any of this.
If anything happens, meaning I’ll most likely scare Jon away somehow and if something happens to my relationship with Chanelle, I know she can put up with whatever may be wrong with me cause she’s used to it now I don’t see what could separate us… anyways run-on sentence there… I just mean if the relationships I still have now fail, I will never have any others. If I care enough about someone to open up to them and give what I’m capable of to the relationship because I couldn’t live without them, I am with them now. Not at this specific moment obviously. And obviously I’m too confused by everything to write a decent post that makes any sense at all. But there’s no one else in this world I could love enough to want to spend time around, apart from the people I do now. I also wouldn’t want to burden anyone else I could have any relationship with. It’s too late for the people who are already in my life, sucks majjooorrr for them.
I’m too close to the edge now to deal with and strong emotions or any amount of stress.
Work. Planning. Cleaning. Lectures. School. Argument. Children. Asians. Restlessness. My inability to sleep. Conversation. Boredom. Memory Failure. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Relationships. Crowds.
This FFUCCKING world.
It’s too much. Without all of that, I have trouble coping with even myself…
I fucking give up on this post. I can’t express anything I want to this is bullshit.
Respect – Pantera
8/10/09
Let's just call this August 9th...
No internet connection - (posted late)
No plan for this post, just going to ramble and clear my head a bit.
I’m sitting in my car outside a gas station to get some redbull and such for the rest of our drive to Toronto. We just stayed in Niagara Falls last night, the same hotel as the last time I visited there. Before this, I’d stopped in Syracuse and bought just some pants and a Pink Floyd shirt, and kept driving. I feel as though I’ve driven this last month away. Although I think it’s been a week, I’m never really sure.
When driving by the falls this morning, I watched as all the stupid people took pictures and walked up and down the sidewalk- enjoying their dumb and typical lives.
I’m used to just looking around big crowds and hating every disgusting human in it and feeling so unattached from myself and everyone around me.
Anyways, the point of this was... You know the feeling you get when you look at those really old people who look like they may just collapse or die when you look at them? The ones who you wonder what they are still living for, the ones with a minimum of 10 diseases and no future left? The ones that probably have no friends or spouse because they are all dead… But they continue to live their lives, waking up every morning, going out for groceries and that’s pretty much all except when they go to church to pray for everything they’ll never have again. They just wallow about in self pity, while we all pity them too. I would just kill myself, but when I see them walking around I want to just kill myself anways, I feel sick to my stomach and not because I feel bad for them- but because it disgusts me. This is what humans are, what they all become. Then we all die and turn into waste and soil. We’ll soon cover the whole earth in graveyards and hopefully the human race will just die off and this earth will become a peaceful shithole of nothing.
Again I got off track a bit, what I was going to say was that there was a man in some Christian shirt who looked about 90 and probably weighed just that much, pushing around his fat old wife in a wheelchair. Trying to enjoy what they have left of their lives I guess, pathetic as it was to watch… This man collapsed somehow pulling the wheelchair back, ending in a tragic horrendous and just sickening reality. The woman smacked her head on the cement so hard as the man toppled on top of her, fortunately then I drove off as a crowd of idiots swarmed them.
I was laughing for a little long I guess as me and my sister joked around a bit about it, she was mostly sympathetic but when I laughed for so long and made cold heartless comments, I sort of took the joke too far. She called me a bad person, and I know to her I am, she doesn’t know the half of what goes on in my head. But I feel as though I’m not, years ago when I was naïve and innocent I would have thought myself to be a scary, heartless, psychotic bitch. But you can’t say this about anyone until you can get in their heads. See what makes them this way; it’s probably you and the rest of the world. You fucking shitface!
The white noise of the tires on the asphalt and my Sisters steady asleep breaths, oh and the GPS we’ve named Carl.
No plan for this post, just going to ramble and clear my head a bit.
I’m sitting in my car outside a gas station to get some redbull and such for the rest of our drive to Toronto. We just stayed in Niagara Falls last night, the same hotel as the last time I visited there. Before this, I’d stopped in Syracuse and bought just some pants and a Pink Floyd shirt, and kept driving. I feel as though I’ve driven this last month away. Although I think it’s been a week, I’m never really sure.
When driving by the falls this morning, I watched as all the stupid people took pictures and walked up and down the sidewalk- enjoying their dumb and typical lives.
I’m used to just looking around big crowds and hating every disgusting human in it and feeling so unattached from myself and everyone around me.
Anyways, the point of this was... You know the feeling you get when you look at those really old people who look like they may just collapse or die when you look at them? The ones who you wonder what they are still living for, the ones with a minimum of 10 diseases and no future left? The ones that probably have no friends or spouse because they are all dead… But they continue to live their lives, waking up every morning, going out for groceries and that’s pretty much all except when they go to church to pray for everything they’ll never have again. They just wallow about in self pity, while we all pity them too. I would just kill myself, but when I see them walking around I want to just kill myself anways, I feel sick to my stomach and not because I feel bad for them- but because it disgusts me. This is what humans are, what they all become. Then we all die and turn into waste and soil. We’ll soon cover the whole earth in graveyards and hopefully the human race will just die off and this earth will become a peaceful shithole of nothing.
Again I got off track a bit, what I was going to say was that there was a man in some Christian shirt who looked about 90 and probably weighed just that much, pushing around his fat old wife in a wheelchair. Trying to enjoy what they have left of their lives I guess, pathetic as it was to watch… This man collapsed somehow pulling the wheelchair back, ending in a tragic horrendous and just sickening reality. The woman smacked her head on the cement so hard as the man toppled on top of her, fortunately then I drove off as a crowd of idiots swarmed them.
I was laughing for a little long I guess as me and my sister joked around a bit about it, she was mostly sympathetic but when I laughed for so long and made cold heartless comments, I sort of took the joke too far. She called me a bad person, and I know to her I am, she doesn’t know the half of what goes on in my head. But I feel as though I’m not, years ago when I was naïve and innocent I would have thought myself to be a scary, heartless, psychotic bitch. But you can’t say this about anyone until you can get in their heads. See what makes them this way; it’s probably you and the rest of the world. You fucking shitface!
The white noise of the tires on the asphalt and my Sisters steady asleep breaths, oh and the GPS we’ve named Carl.
Don’t even read this you fucking asshole!
No internet connection - (posted late)
Hate is all I do
Fuck society, leeches to it.
Fuck religion, god worshippers
Fuck church, the fanatics
Fuck America, and its laws
Fuck yellow shirts, the assholes in them
Fuck white-rimmed sunglasses, the douches in them
Fuck store-bought shit, the Asians who made it, their shitty driving
Fuck Bad music, the listeners
Fuck morals, the ones who force theirs on you
Fuck reputations, the shallow ones who judge you
Fuck designer brands, the bitches who wear them
Fuck earth, and life on it
Fuck this blog, me for writing it
And you, for reading it.
Sweet Dreams – Marilyn Manson
Hate is all I do
Fuck society, leeches to it.
Fuck religion, god worshippers
Fuck church, the fanatics
Fuck America, and its laws
Fuck yellow shirts, the assholes in them
Fuck white-rimmed sunglasses, the douches in them
Fuck store-bought shit, the Asians who made it, their shitty driving
Fuck Bad music, the listeners
Fuck morals, the ones who force theirs on you
Fuck reputations, the shallow ones who judge you
Fuck designer brands, the bitches who wear them
Fuck earth, and life on it
Fuck this blog, me for writing it
And you, for reading it.
Sweet Dreams – Marilyn Manson
Fuck 'reality'.
No internet connection - (posted late)
So I just woke up from a nap and I’m just driving down the highway apparently.
But I just had the most real dream I ever had, I still believe it happened. I experienced the smells, the tastes, the movement, the emotions, the physical contact, and of course the sounds and sights. I felt more involved, more a part of my ‘dream’ than I ever do when I’m ‘awake’. On top of the whole dream itself, inside my head in the dream I had separate thoughts. I could think for myself, and clearly (which I can’t even seem to do ‘awake’) All my dreams feel incredibly real, and all my hallucinations, my dissociation- The whole lot of it feels so much more real to me than plain life. So maybe, for me, or for everyone, none of us are actually living right now while we’re ‘awake’. Maybe being awake is just a glitch, until the system gets reset and we live in our dreams again. I always feel lost and confused when I’m awake- maybe this feeling is suitable, maybe everyone should feel this way. Everyone just holds on to this thing we call life on earth because they feel safe, but they’re all just stupid, really. Try dreaming.
Immediate conversation with my sister after I awoke..
------------
Me: *looks at her* I just met Marilyn Manson.
Her: IN YOUR DREAMS! :P
Me: Does it matter?
------------
It doesn’t to me, I experienced it either way.
It was the best dream I ever recall having, the best time of my life, just happened sitting in this car. The dream was days long, but I woke up at basically the same time of day in this world. I want to go back to living, I want to fall asleep forever.
Maybe I’ve just gone crazy
Pretty As A Swastika – Marilyn Manson
So I just woke up from a nap and I’m just driving down the highway apparently.
But I just had the most real dream I ever had, I still believe it happened. I experienced the smells, the tastes, the movement, the emotions, the physical contact, and of course the sounds and sights. I felt more involved, more a part of my ‘dream’ than I ever do when I’m ‘awake’. On top of the whole dream itself, inside my head in the dream I had separate thoughts. I could think for myself, and clearly (which I can’t even seem to do ‘awake’) All my dreams feel incredibly real, and all my hallucinations, my dissociation- The whole lot of it feels so much more real to me than plain life. So maybe, for me, or for everyone, none of us are actually living right now while we’re ‘awake’. Maybe being awake is just a glitch, until the system gets reset and we live in our dreams again. I always feel lost and confused when I’m awake- maybe this feeling is suitable, maybe everyone should feel this way. Everyone just holds on to this thing we call life on earth because they feel safe, but they’re all just stupid, really. Try dreaming.
Immediate conversation with my sister after I awoke..
------------
Me: *looks at her* I just met Marilyn Manson.
Her: IN YOUR DREAMS! :P
Me: Does it matter?
------------
It doesn’t to me, I experienced it either way.
It was the best dream I ever recall having, the best time of my life, just happened sitting in this car. The dream was days long, but I woke up at basically the same time of day in this world. I want to go back to living, I want to fall asleep forever.
Maybe I’ve just gone crazy
Pretty As A Swastika – Marilyn Manson
8/6/09
My paranoia and private life bothers my family, what canya do though
Alright, so evidently I was already at the Mayhem festival, there's no scanning out so I left and bought a new ticket to go back later. Marilyn and Slayer aren't on till later.
So i figured I could leave, change into something comfortable and drink, and I guess write on my motherfucking blog.
I bought a concert tee-marilyn manson of course. Now I have three mm shirts :)
Lookk at that positivity. I'm the greatest optimist of all time.
Or maybe just the most sarcastic.
I took an online screening test for schizophrenia, it said I was develloping it. Of course, you can only trust those things so much, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor about it. Last time I saw my doctor he did recommend me to a psychotherapist so he knows that I have depression problems or whatnot and I don't really care about his opinion of me, I'm just scared my worries will be confirmed. And I'll dread the rest of my life even more, knowing this isn't some phase or personality or mental disorder that's temporary. Shizophrenia is not temporary, and it's not something to laugh about.
The Nameless - Slipknot
So i figured I could leave, change into something comfortable and drink, and I guess write on my motherfucking blog.
I bought a concert tee-marilyn manson of course. Now I have three mm shirts :)
Lookk at that positivity. I'm the greatest optimist of all time.
Or maybe just the most sarcastic.
I took an online screening test for schizophrenia, it said I was develloping it. Of course, you can only trust those things so much, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor about it. Last time I saw my doctor he did recommend me to a psychotherapist so he knows that I have depression problems or whatnot and I don't really care about his opinion of me, I'm just scared my worries will be confirmed. And I'll dread the rest of my life even more, knowing this isn't some phase or personality or mental disorder that's temporary. Shizophrenia is not temporary, and it's not something to laugh about.
The Nameless - Slipknot
i know i write too many posts. it's because i lost my brains memory storage this is a lame attempt to replace it.
Well I’m sitting in my car outside the Marilyn Manson/Slayer concert- in a huge fucking storm, fuck. I stood in line among all the crazed fans, thrilled at just the fact I knew how close I was to the man I’ve always admired to the core. But the shows been postponed and all us fans are waiting in our cars sopping wet, the lightning, the thunder, the rain; none of it bothered me, it’s all about the music. If anything the dark clouds and storm would add to the environment, considering the setting wasn’t so suitable before… All I’m worried about is if the storm doesn’t end the concert won’t happen at all. I’ve been looking forward to this for so long, pulling into the parking lot I almost cried- pathetic I know. I will sit here for months to see this concert, but I know if the storm doesn’t end soon I won’t have to, won’t get to. ):
Considering the circumstances I am writing this on a document with the lack of internet access and all, so won’t be posting it until tonight probably. Or tomorrow, because tonight I’ll hopefully be watching Marilyn and experiencing the extremes of every emotion. The man amazes me, I look up to him, relate to him. Everyone around me bashes him when it’s really a dig at me I feel. Doesn’t bother me, I know they just don’t understand, no one can.
I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell – Marilyn Manson
Considering the circumstances I am writing this on a document with the lack of internet access and all, so won’t be posting it until tonight probably. Or tomorrow, because tonight I’ll hopefully be watching Marilyn and experiencing the extremes of every emotion. The man amazes me, I look up to him, relate to him. Everyone around me bashes him when it’s really a dig at me I feel. Doesn’t bother me, I know they just don’t understand, no one can.
I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell – Marilyn Manson
Everyones snoring and grinding their teeth away. I'm just losing my mind.
Sobered up and can't sleep, and my nightmares seem to start before I fall asleep and as soon as I do, they wake me up. I've been having problems with psychosis as well, just about everything is fucked up now, every single, small, little, miniscule, minor detail, everything is off.
Everyone (my sister, her boyfriend, and my mother) are all asleep. We're in a hotel room on the bottom floor with a huge window overlooking the beach and we can just walk outside whenever and be on the beach, I'm sitting next to the window and it's brutally dark outside and had been storming all day. I watched an old man walk all alone outside down to the beach looking very pathetic, almost as pathetic as i feel right now, I never saw where he went but it was dark and stormy and I feel as though he may have just killed himself. I'll pick up a newspaper tomorrow and see that this guess was true and feel horrible. Not that I didn't help him, he saved himself but just feel depressed about life even more so in every way, as I do when just about anything happens.
I just told Jon I may let him read all this one day, I'm dreading that day :P.
Cold And Ugly - Tool
Everyone (my sister, her boyfriend, and my mother) are all asleep. We're in a hotel room on the bottom floor with a huge window overlooking the beach and we can just walk outside whenever and be on the beach, I'm sitting next to the window and it's brutally dark outside and had been storming all day. I watched an old man walk all alone outside down to the beach looking very pathetic, almost as pathetic as i feel right now, I never saw where he went but it was dark and stormy and I feel as though he may have just killed himself. I'll pick up a newspaper tomorrow and see that this guess was true and feel horrible. Not that I didn't help him, he saved himself but just feel depressed about life even more so in every way, as I do when just about anything happens.
I just told Jon I may let him read all this one day, I'm dreading that day :P.
Cold And Ugly - Tool
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