What does all of this mean?
What did it mean, what does it mean, and what will it ever mean?
Nothing.
When you don’t believe in anything, and have absolutely no faith, it’s difficult to find reasoning to continue living.
When you’re a complete pessimist it’s difficult to find reasoning to keep on going.
Nothing I ever say or do will impact a thing, because there’s nothing to impact in the first place. There is nothing and there never has been.
Religion is just some croc so people will have something to believe in, to have faith.
What’s there to have faith in? Nothing.
Aenima - Tool
Showing posts with label Tool. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tool. Show all posts
8/27/09
Words I just need to say.
I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!
Intolerance - Tool
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!
Intolerance - Tool
8/4/09
Insomnia, Amnesia? Hallucinate, Dissociate. Formication, Frustration! Schizophrenia, Anhedonia?!
Wikipedia had been my best friend & my worst enemy this week.
I refuse to admit to being a hypochondriac, I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have been doing more research this week than I did through the whole school year, but I am a horrible student so that doesn't say so much...
I've researched so many illnesses, I didn't know half of them existed or at all what they were.
Most of them mental illnesses of course.
I know hypochondriac's always think there's something wrong with them, they find symptoms to illnesses and make them relate to themselves. This may be what I'm doing, but I'm not normally like that.
Especially since I've grown up with a fucking massively hypochondriac christian grandmother.. I through christian in for fun, just to show she is NOT what I plan to become. I guess maybe I'm just too paranoid of becoming like her that I assume I'm also a hypochondriac, when really I'm just a sick person who doesn't know what to do.
Whatever the case, there's something wrong.
Oh, just a couple more random cell notes I found from I-don't-know-when
"I feel like every song takes me to a new place, I feel like every time I turn on my music I go on a new adventure in my head and it feels more real than anything I've experienced."
"I can't control myself and I don't feel attached to this body. Maybe my minds in the wrong body... Unfortunately for me its not as simple as finding a new goddamn shell, I've certainly outgrown this one."
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
I refuse to admit to being a hypochondriac, I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have been doing more research this week than I did through the whole school year, but I am a horrible student so that doesn't say so much...
I've researched so many illnesses, I didn't know half of them existed or at all what they were.
Most of them mental illnesses of course.
I know hypochondriac's always think there's something wrong with them, they find symptoms to illnesses and make them relate to themselves. This may be what I'm doing, but I'm not normally like that.
Especially since I've grown up with a fucking massively hypochondriac christian grandmother.. I through christian in for fun, just to show she is NOT what I plan to become. I guess maybe I'm just too paranoid of becoming like her that I assume I'm also a hypochondriac, when really I'm just a sick person who doesn't know what to do.
Whatever the case, there's something wrong.
Oh, just a couple more random cell notes I found from I-don't-know-when
"I feel like every song takes me to a new place, I feel like every time I turn on my music I go on a new adventure in my head and it feels more real than anything I've experienced."
"I can't control myself and I don't feel attached to this body. Maybe my minds in the wrong body... Unfortunately for me its not as simple as finding a new goddamn shell, I've certainly outgrown this one."
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
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