Words I just need to say.

I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me

So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!

Intolerance - Tool

Relapse

I'm scared.

That I may be slipping into old habits. That when I used to think I was screwed up I really didnt't know the half of it. That my few weeks of happiness didn't come without a price. That I can't figure myself out enough anymore to explain anything to the ones I care about. That I'm a complete dissappointment. That I have actually lost my mind..

Just a couple days ago I almost had a random breakdown infront of the guy I'm in love with, he'd never seen me like that. I was also worried, because I'd been fine for what seemed like long enough that I may actually just be.. happy..

The next day I broke down again; at work. I became completely dissociative. Every few minutes I'd regain conciousness I was either roaming around my work panting and whispering to myself or in a really angry state of mind and swearing, I didn't know what was going on and I couldn't control it. So I went to the first aid-kit.

I was only half aware of what I was doing... but i found a few band-aids so i wouldn't bleed in my clothes when I rushed to the washroom and cut myself.

It was done, I really fucking regretted it that time cause I knew it would piss Jon and Chanelle off, and worried it might become an ongoing thing again. Either way, it gave me enough sanity to make it through the rest of my shift. The only problem was that i went home and did it again, I now have fresh blades wrapped up and ready for use which is kindof tempting. Just a quick relief whenever I need one, I can't find the will to just throw them out but I know I'll be unwrapping them soon and hating myself for it.

I always find I've written stuff down somewhere before or during a meltdown, so here it is this time...

"Never felt so scared. and alone. and is split-personalities something you develop..."
"When people talk about weather like it's an interesting topic, I want to kill myself"

The pictures are just some scarification done early in the year...

The Noose - A Perfect Circle

Realization of Derealization

Dissociative disorders are defined as conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. The hypothesis is that symptoms can result, to the extent of interfering with a person's general functioning, when one or more of these functions is disrupted.

I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I can't seem to ever understand myself.
Maybe this will help or maybe it will confuse me more, I'm pretty confused right now..
Most likely no one will read this but I feel slightly more sane typing to no one then whispering to myselves..
I say it in plural because I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel as though I'm developping a dissociative disorder, most common of the four is known to most of us as split-personalities, which I assumed I had, which when I researched I realized that was a symptom to another of the four.

I've suffered from chronic depression, anxiety and the like. But this is different from anything I've been through. So why not write about it? Not a good question, now I feel like stopping..
Anyways whoever you are reading this you probably don't give a fucking shit about what I'm saying so I'm not going to try and make this exciting for you, just so I can read it in years to come and remember how screwed up I was and hopefully appreciate how much more sane I am, or maybe I won't ever read this because I'll be locked up in a basement of some asylum in Kentucky. Either way,.. hm, anyways forgot what I was rambling about because it's most likely not important, nothing is.

I guess for fun I could list all the symptoms I've had, been having of the 2 dissociative disorders I think to have the pleasure of owning. If you can own a disorder.. none the less it's not a pleasure, I hope your not reading this because you have one also, if so I am SO sorry for you.

(DPD) Depersonalization disorder:
-recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization.
-sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it
-feeling a disconnection from one's body; out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality
-dissociation is persistent and interferes with the social and occupational functions
-not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements
-feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions
-stress, subjective threatening social interaction, and unfamiliar environments
-fears of going crazy, brain damage, and losing control are common complaints
-emotional disconnection from those they care about
-deficits in attention, short-term memory and spatial-temporal reasoning
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder
"Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions, intense physical or emotional stimulation, and relaxation."
I stopped cutting and feeling depressed and had very few panic attacks during the time I was getting to know Jon. I fell in love with him so quickly, he's helped me a lot and I hate myself for doing this to him. I don't think I'll be able to convince him that it has nothing to do with him and that I'm just a hopeless failure of a human but that he's keeping me alive and that I love him extremely. I feel bad for him, loving me. But I can't imagine life without him, I feel somewhat selfish for dragging him into this...

Fugue state:
-amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality
-unplanned travel or wandering
-establishment of a new identity
-complete amnesia for the fugue episode
-precipitated by a stressful episode
-confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
significant distress or impairment
-inability to recall important personal information
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_fugue

Wow.
Waste of time, like you fucking care.
Oh well I have nothing better to do I can't sleep and I know if I stop this my night could be as bad as lasts. I think it was last night.
I don't remember it well but I was hallucinating scary shit all night through till 5 am or so
I wandered around my small room ransacking stuff and hiding anything that morphed infront of me so I could relax. I never relaxed. I was angry, I was sad, I was a disaster.
I am, still. I have heard voices in my head :S, sometimes they translate into whispers that fumble out of my mouth without my awareness of it.
I have some notes on my phone I found today from last night I think, I'll write them down here... then I can delete them off my phone so my family doesn't send me to another psychotherapist.

"As far back as I can remember people have told me that there's something wrong with me or that im weird and i just accepted that. There is definitely something wrong with me, ive never been more afraid of something than i am of myself at this moment. 3:49am"
"Someone should really kill me, i couldnt even be upset"
"How many people are inside me?"
"I am so past crazy, utgtgmgpt fuck i want death so bad.. Who the fuck am i typing to not"
"All i want is to be a fruit fly. I didnt choose this life, whoever does didnt make the right choice for me, but i got them back by being such a shitty human"
"Im to young to have DID (dissociative identity disorder)! Maybe im just .. No"
"Kids aren't innocent"
"I think sassy has dementia"

Also, I feel the need to mention I almost killed a kid on my way home from my trip to the quickie for some redbull tonight.. actually. haha my dad was worried I would get killed on the way home, what no one realizes is that I am one of the psychos out there that will kill your daughter when she goes out, im not the daughter.

*I feel the need to write the name of the song that played as i wrote my blog, which I will continue to finish off with with on all my posts. Why? I don't know, but it's better than just putting my name*

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd