I know how I'm going to die, it's just a matter of when

I finally had something fun planned, just something to cheer me up, to get out and just to make this summer feel less of a waste.
So I came home to get ready and instead got into aayy famiiillly feeudd. No fucking surprise.
They cancelled my plans, took my friend home, took my laptop, ( so I'm originally writing this in pencil, ) and are continueing to convince me everything is my fault, it's just me who doesn't try hard enough. They think I was giving attitude and being selfish like the average teenage girl. But it's that I know I can't ever be good in any sort of relationship and I don't need them telling me this. I'm also so fed up I can barely feel anything and I can't even pretend like I give a shit about anything that goes on. I don't cry, I don't feel. I'm so numb and I don't have a care in the world. Do they honestly believe they can have a satisying relationship with a depressed, angry, athiest, numb, schizo daughter who just hates them for 'granting' her life? But they just think all of this is selfishness and I'm a bitch, nothings going on that would make me act like this, I'm just a bitch.
They are great parents for the most part, they play the role well. I feel bad and I love them, but I'll never be able to show them this because no matter how hard I try it's meaningless.
I do try, but "never hard enough." I try so fucking hard- harder than any one person should have to, and still it's not good enough.
Trying this hard in my state with no gratification is next to impossible.
They don't know me.
No one does.
Everyone just needs to fuck off.

Paranoid - Black Sabbath

Everything's pretty goddamn meaningless

What does all of this mean?
What did it mean, what does it mean, and what will it ever mean?
Nothing.
When you don’t believe in anything, and have absolutely no faith, it’s difficult to find reasoning to continue living.
When you’re a complete pessimist it’s difficult to find reasoning to keep on going.
Nothing I ever say or do will impact a thing, because there’s nothing to impact in the first place. There is nothing and there never has been.
Religion is just some croc so people will have something to believe in, to have faith.
What’s there to have faith in? Nothing.

Aenima - Tool

Words I just need to say.

I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me

So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!

Intolerance - Tool

I can no longer feel, if I could I wouldn't know what to feel at this point

No internet - (posted late)

I know all I’ve done with this blog is written a bunch of disorganized, useless bullshit. And I don’t think I can do much else, there is no point for you to be reading this because there’s no way I can make it helpful or enjoyable. I don’t know why I write these.

I’ve never been a truly happy person that I can recall, I’ve never really been accepted in society as normal. Which I am okay with because I am completely against society, but maybe this is because it never accepts the people who probably need to be accepted most. It makes people with mental illness, or depression or any problems that are not their fault feel abnormal and like there’s something wrong with them and they begin to feel isolated. Which, I can tell you does not help their case.
I don’t see myself being accepted anywhere or fitting in. I prefer to spend all my time alone, completely alone with my music, though I rarely really feel like I’m alone, but when I do it’s very difficult to cope. When I’m around others I get this feeling of distance and loneliness no matter what. I feel so detached from everything and from reality itself.
So this forces me to spend my time alone because it’s easier for me without others around, I don’t have to pretend anything, pretend I’m totally fine- When I am so far from fine.
But when I spend time with just myself, I begin to feel scared of myself. And the fact that I’m always scaring myself makes me feel like I must scare others and I tend to push them away. I don’t want my pain to hurt others it just seems so unnecessary.
I have so much trouble communicating and expressing myself, why should I bother trying?
Whenever I try, I try hard but I can’t even manage and no one understands I always feel misread. Also, the people in this world I’m closest to should know what’s going on with me, they should be able to understand but I can’t help them. I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want help, I just want them to understand what I’m going through because right now, I feel there is no way I can satisfy anyone or be my true self. So I assume people will misread me and see me as a stupid bitch, when I’m just having so much trouble coping.
Coping with my depression ( Which is always cycling ), and I don’t always need people asking me what is wrong when they should just know. I’m not going to have a new answer every time they ask. And I always feel like I’m being analyzed and put on display whenever people ask me questions involving how I’ve been feeling etc. I’m not a broken toy that you can just put back together and keep playing with as if it’s new. I’m not broken, and you can’t fix me. This world, if anything, is ‘broken’, fix that, and maybe I’ll feel a little better. Or would that be too much work?- When you could just leave me.
I expect sooner or later everyone who I get close to will, if I could, I’d leave myself.
I believe NO ONE cares what I feel, they care how I make THEM feel.
The human race is incredibly selfish, relationships are lies. You have a relationship with someone because it makes you feel good, you care about the person because they make you feel good. But when nothing effects me, I’m completely numb, and I feel no true emotion anymore, why should I have relationships, I don’t need them and there’s no way I can hold up my end of the bargain. I’m bound to disappoint, because I’m not ever going to get better.
Also, I know it would ‘hurt’ people if I were to, say, kill myself, but that’s the only thing I think about now; suicide. I get these overpowering urges every 10 minutes at least, that I have incredible difficulty with, keeping in control, resisting them.

Sometimes I even consider calling up my old psychotherapist as she had told me to if I ever felt desperate. I know if nothing changes (I don’t want to say if I don’t get help but that may be my only option now considering I feel so hopeless on my own) that I won’t make it much longer, especially with school starting up again in a few days. That will be very difficult.
I’m waiting for the online early screening test for schizophrenia to start running again sometime in September, and until then I don’t think I’ll end up reaching for much help no matter how desperately I need it. I don’t want to be just another project for some psychotherapist, the source of their fucking paycheck. I don’t want to reach out to friends or family too much because I’ll just end up hurting them and I know they’ll just tell me to go get professional help, which is what everyone does when I mention anything, I guess it just scares them. I’m fucking terrified; rather, I would be if I cared enough to feel anything real.

Outside - Staind

Mostly Just Schizo Symptoms

Alright, life sucks blah blah bullshit bullshit,
no one cares, I'm not going to tell any dumb stories about meaningless shit that's been happening no matter how much impact it made in my dumb meaningless life,
because, evidently- it won't matter.

So, I decided to put together a n easy list of most of the symptoms to schizophrenia
here it is if you're curious or think you may have it, whoever the fuck you are:

Social withdrawal
Hostility or suspiciousness
Deterioration of personal hygiene
Flat, expressionless gaze
Inability to cry or express joy
Inappropriate laughter or crying
Depression
Oversleeping or insomnia
Odd or irrational statements
Forgetful; unable to concentrate
Extreme reaction to criticism
Strange use of words or way of speaking
Belief that others, often a vague “they,” are out to get him or her. These persecutory delusions often involve bizarre ideas and plots (e.g. “Martians are trying to poison me with radioactive particles delivered through my tap water”).
A neutral environmental event is believed to have a special and personal meaning. For example, a person with schizophrenia might believe a billboard or a person on TV is sending a message meant specifically for them.
Belief that one is a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napolean. Alternately, delusions of grandeur may involve the belief that one has unusual powers that no one else has (e.g. the ability to fly).
Belief that one’s thoughts or actions are being controlled by outside, alien forces. Common delusions of control include thought broadcasting (“My private thoughts are being transmitted to others”), thought insertion (“Someone is planting thoughts in my head”), and thought withdrawal (“The CIA is robbing me of my thoughts.”).
Hallucinations
Tend to have trouble concentrating and maintaining a train of thought.
Rapidly shifting from topic to topic, with no connection between one thought and the next.
Made-up words or phrases that only have meaning to the patient.
Repetition of words and statements; saying the same thing over and over.
Meaningless use of rhyming words (“I said the bread and read the shed and fed Ned at the head.").
A decline in overall daily functioning
Unpredictable or inappropriate emotional responses
Behaviors that appear bizarre and have no purpose
Lack of inhibition and impulse control.
Lack of emotional expression, including a flat voice, lack of eye contact, and blank or restricted facial expressions.
Lack of interest or enthusiasm; no ability to pursue goal-driven activities.
Apparent unawareness of the environment, near total absence of motion and speech, aimless body movements and bizarre postures, lack of self-care.
Difficulties with speech, inability to carry a conversation, short and sometimes disconnected replies to questions, lessening of fluency.
Emotional indifference
Infantile behavior (baby talk, giggling)
Peculiar facial expressions and mannerisms
Impaired communication skills
Relationships suffer significantly because people with schizophrenia often withdraw and isolate themselves. Paranoia can also cause a person with schizophrenia to be suspicious of friends and family.
Schizophrenia causes significant disruptions to daily functioning, both because of social difficulties and because everyday tasks become hard, if not impossible to do. A person’s delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized thoughts typically prevent him or her from doing normal things like bathing, eating, or running errands.
Schizophrenics frequently develop problems with alcohol or drugs, which are often used in an attempt to self-medicate, or relieve symptoms. In addition, they may also be heavy smokers, a complicating situation as cigarette smoke can interfere with the effectiveness of medications prescribed for the disorder.
People with schizophrenia have a high risk of attempting suicide. Any suicidal talk, threats, or gestures should be taken very seriously. People with schizophrenia are especially likely to commit suicide during psychotic episodes, during periods of depression, and in the first six months after they’ve started treatment.
Difficult for a person to distinguish between what is real and unreal, to think clearly, and to behave in socially acceptable ways.

Anyways, whether I have it or not (I'd be really fucking shocked if I didn't I'd probably just kill myself, why, why not..) I feel everyone now, deals with life in such a generic fashion. Their emotions and everything it's just so pathetic, and unrelatable.
Fucck

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

Double Fuck

Goddamn, the human race must be the most selfish and stupid of all.

Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down

Harsh Reality

First time in awhile I've had a clear enough head to decide to write a post that would actually have some... no, nothing makes sense, but this will be my best attempt at clearing my head a little bit

I think this is because I've spent a fare bit of time alone which after flipping shits in my head I get a little calmer and less stressed. Also cutting releases endorphins, and I've also been taking maybe a little too much St. John's Wort; some herbal pills which are meant to help will sleep, restlessness and depression somewhat.

Obviously I will never be happy, but this mediocre mood feels really... refreshing.

Although I have not brushed my hair in days or anything like that, I feel pretty good, and what is the point in maintaining myself on the outside when I'm a total wreck inside, it would be a complete lie. And not even worth the effort whatsoever it's the last thing on my mind ever now; my appearance that is. My heads always scrambled and crazy so I can't think of much but that.

Normally when I use drugs or alcohol now to numb me, it just ends out... badly.

But hey, I still can't help myself, just feeling anything different from what I always do, no matter what that feeling is, would be a relief.

I haven't sketched in awhile either

nor have I dont anything in my usual habits

because,

I just haven't thought about it, or cared enough to

because I'm always so fucking confused and angry.

All I do is keep to myself and listen to my music, tend to be blowing everyone off as well, but I think it's for the best at this point.

No one TRULY cares about how I'm feeling inside, what I'm going through or what I've been doing, just so long as it doesnt affect THEM negatively, because the human race is so goddamn selfish, they don't care about you, just how you make them feel.

'Here for me' my ass, everyones in it for themselves

Now, i can't be there for anyone either.
...

Maybe I will start fitting in a little more with people, because I have lost all thoughtfulness, politeness, decency, or care. Honestly, now, I'm a total bitch- sucks for you, but you don't even know how much this all sucks for me

But honestly, do you even care?

FUCK NO YOU DON'T!

Good Times- Finger Eleven

Self-Loathing

I absolutely loathe myself

Consolers Of The Lonely - The Raconteurs

ANGRY & SCARED while being STONED.

FIUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUKF UFKCKKCKCK
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
!!!

Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

FUCK

How can I be expected to let people [think they] know me, or get to know me
when I don't know myself?

Rape Me - Nirvana