I finally had something fun planned, just something to cheer me up, to get out and just to make this summer feel less of a waste.
So I came home to get ready and instead got into aayy famiiillly feeudd. No fucking surprise.
They cancelled my plans, took my friend home, took my laptop, ( so I'm originally writing this in pencil, ) and are continueing to convince me everything is my fault, it's just me who doesn't try hard enough. They think I was giving attitude and being selfish like the average teenage girl. But it's that I know I can't ever be good in any sort of relationship and I don't need them telling me this. I'm also so fed up I can barely feel anything and I can't even pretend like I give a shit about anything that goes on. I don't cry, I don't feel. I'm so numb and I don't have a care in the world. Do they honestly believe they can have a satisying relationship with a depressed, angry, athiest, numb, schizo daughter who just hates them for 'granting' her life? But they just think all of this is selfishness and I'm a bitch, nothings going on that would make me act like this, I'm just a bitch.
They are great parents for the most part, they play the role well. I feel bad and I love them, but I'll never be able to show them this because no matter how hard I try it's meaningless.
I do try, but "never hard enough." I try so fucking hard- harder than any one person should have to, and still it's not good enough.
Trying this hard in my state with no gratification is next to impossible.
They don't know me.
No one does.
Everyone just needs to fuck off.
Paranoid - Black Sabbath
8/29/09
Everything's pretty goddamn meaningless
What does all of this mean?
What did it mean, what does it mean, and what will it ever mean?
Nothing.
When you don’t believe in anything, and have absolutely no faith, it’s difficult to find reasoning to continue living.
When you’re a complete pessimist it’s difficult to find reasoning to keep on going.
Nothing I ever say or do will impact a thing, because there’s nothing to impact in the first place. There is nothing and there never has been.
Religion is just some croc so people will have something to believe in, to have faith.
What’s there to have faith in? Nothing.
Aenima - Tool
What did it mean, what does it mean, and what will it ever mean?
Nothing.
When you don’t believe in anything, and have absolutely no faith, it’s difficult to find reasoning to continue living.
When you’re a complete pessimist it’s difficult to find reasoning to keep on going.
Nothing I ever say or do will impact a thing, because there’s nothing to impact in the first place. There is nothing and there never has been.
Religion is just some croc so people will have something to believe in, to have faith.
What’s there to have faith in? Nothing.
Aenima - Tool
8/27/09
Words I just need to say.
I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!
Intolerance - Tool
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!
Intolerance - Tool
I can no longer feel, if I could I wouldn't know what to feel at this point
No internet - (posted late)
I know all I’ve done with this blog is written a bunch of disorganized, useless bullshit. And I don’t think I can do much else, there is no point for you to be reading this because there’s no way I can make it helpful or enjoyable. I don’t know why I write these.
I’ve never been a truly happy person that I can recall, I’ve never really been accepted in society as normal. Which I am okay with because I am completely against society, but maybe this is because it never accepts the people who probably need to be accepted most. It makes people with mental illness, or depression or any problems that are not their fault feel abnormal and like there’s something wrong with them and they begin to feel isolated. Which, I can tell you does not help their case.
I don’t see myself being accepted anywhere or fitting in. I prefer to spend all my time alone, completely alone with my music, though I rarely really feel like I’m alone, but when I do it’s very difficult to cope. When I’m around others I get this feeling of distance and loneliness no matter what. I feel so detached from everything and from reality itself.
So this forces me to spend my time alone because it’s easier for me without others around, I don’t have to pretend anything, pretend I’m totally fine- When I am so far from fine.
But when I spend time with just myself, I begin to feel scared of myself. And the fact that I’m always scaring myself makes me feel like I must scare others and I tend to push them away. I don’t want my pain to hurt others it just seems so unnecessary.
I have so much trouble communicating and expressing myself, why should I bother trying?
Whenever I try, I try hard but I can’t even manage and no one understands I always feel misread. Also, the people in this world I’m closest to should know what’s going on with me, they should be able to understand but I can’t help them. I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want help, I just want them to understand what I’m going through because right now, I feel there is no way I can satisfy anyone or be my true self. So I assume people will misread me and see me as a stupid bitch, when I’m just having so much trouble coping.
Coping with my depression ( Which is always cycling ), and I don’t always need people asking me what is wrong when they should just know. I’m not going to have a new answer every time they ask. And I always feel like I’m being analyzed and put on display whenever people ask me questions involving how I’ve been feeling etc. I’m not a broken toy that you can just put back together and keep playing with as if it’s new. I’m not broken, and you can’t fix me. This world, if anything, is ‘broken’, fix that, and maybe I’ll feel a little better. Or would that be too much work?- When you could just leave me.
I expect sooner or later everyone who I get close to will, if I could, I’d leave myself.
I believe NO ONE cares what I feel, they care how I make THEM feel.
The human race is incredibly selfish, relationships are lies. You have a relationship with someone because it makes you feel good, you care about the person because they make you feel good. But when nothing effects me, I’m completely numb, and I feel no true emotion anymore, why should I have relationships, I don’t need them and there’s no way I can hold up my end of the bargain. I’m bound to disappoint, because I’m not ever going to get better.
Also, I know it would ‘hurt’ people if I were to, say, kill myself, but that’s the only thing I think about now; suicide. I get these overpowering urges every 10 minutes at least, that I have incredible difficulty with, keeping in control, resisting them.
Sometimes I even consider calling up my old psychotherapist as she had told me to if I ever felt desperate. I know if nothing changes (I don’t want to say if I don’t get help but that may be my only option now considering I feel so hopeless on my own) that I won’t make it much longer, especially with school starting up again in a few days. That will be very difficult.
I’m waiting for the online early screening test for schizophrenia to start running again sometime in September, and until then I don’t think I’ll end up reaching for much help no matter how desperately I need it. I don’t want to be just another project for some psychotherapist, the source of their fucking paycheck. I don’t want to reach out to friends or family too much because I’ll just end up hurting them and I know they’ll just tell me to go get professional help, which is what everyone does when I mention anything, I guess it just scares them. I’m fucking terrified; rather, I would be if I cared enough to feel anything real.
Outside - Staind
I know all I’ve done with this blog is written a bunch of disorganized, useless bullshit. And I don’t think I can do much else, there is no point for you to be reading this because there’s no way I can make it helpful or enjoyable. I don’t know why I write these.
I’ve never been a truly happy person that I can recall, I’ve never really been accepted in society as normal. Which I am okay with because I am completely against society, but maybe this is because it never accepts the people who probably need to be accepted most. It makes people with mental illness, or depression or any problems that are not their fault feel abnormal and like there’s something wrong with them and they begin to feel isolated. Which, I can tell you does not help their case.
I don’t see myself being accepted anywhere or fitting in. I prefer to spend all my time alone, completely alone with my music, though I rarely really feel like I’m alone, but when I do it’s very difficult to cope. When I’m around others I get this feeling of distance and loneliness no matter what. I feel so detached from everything and from reality itself.
So this forces me to spend my time alone because it’s easier for me without others around, I don’t have to pretend anything, pretend I’m totally fine- When I am so far from fine.
But when I spend time with just myself, I begin to feel scared of myself. And the fact that I’m always scaring myself makes me feel like I must scare others and I tend to push them away. I don’t want my pain to hurt others it just seems so unnecessary.
I have so much trouble communicating and expressing myself, why should I bother trying?
Whenever I try, I try hard but I can’t even manage and no one understands I always feel misread. Also, the people in this world I’m closest to should know what’s going on with me, they should be able to understand but I can’t help them. I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want help, I just want them to understand what I’m going through because right now, I feel there is no way I can satisfy anyone or be my true self. So I assume people will misread me and see me as a stupid bitch, when I’m just having so much trouble coping.
Coping with my depression ( Which is always cycling ), and I don’t always need people asking me what is wrong when they should just know. I’m not going to have a new answer every time they ask. And I always feel like I’m being analyzed and put on display whenever people ask me questions involving how I’ve been feeling etc. I’m not a broken toy that you can just put back together and keep playing with as if it’s new. I’m not broken, and you can’t fix me. This world, if anything, is ‘broken’, fix that, and maybe I’ll feel a little better. Or would that be too much work?- When you could just leave me.
I expect sooner or later everyone who I get close to will, if I could, I’d leave myself.
I believe NO ONE cares what I feel, they care how I make THEM feel.
The human race is incredibly selfish, relationships are lies. You have a relationship with someone because it makes you feel good, you care about the person because they make you feel good. But when nothing effects me, I’m completely numb, and I feel no true emotion anymore, why should I have relationships, I don’t need them and there’s no way I can hold up my end of the bargain. I’m bound to disappoint, because I’m not ever going to get better.
Also, I know it would ‘hurt’ people if I were to, say, kill myself, but that’s the only thing I think about now; suicide. I get these overpowering urges every 10 minutes at least, that I have incredible difficulty with, keeping in control, resisting them.
Sometimes I even consider calling up my old psychotherapist as she had told me to if I ever felt desperate. I know if nothing changes (I don’t want to say if I don’t get help but that may be my only option now considering I feel so hopeless on my own) that I won’t make it much longer, especially with school starting up again in a few days. That will be very difficult.
I’m waiting for the online early screening test for schizophrenia to start running again sometime in September, and until then I don’t think I’ll end up reaching for much help no matter how desperately I need it. I don’t want to be just another project for some psychotherapist, the source of their fucking paycheck. I don’t want to reach out to friends or family too much because I’ll just end up hurting them and I know they’ll just tell me to go get professional help, which is what everyone does when I mention anything, I guess it just scares them. I’m fucking terrified; rather, I would be if I cared enough to feel anything real.
Outside - Staind
8/23/09
Mostly Just Schizo Symptoms
Alright, life sucks blah blah bullshit bullshit,
no one cares, I'm not going to tell any dumb stories about meaningless shit that's been happening no matter how much impact it made in my dumb meaningless life,
because, evidently- it won't matter.
So, I decided to put together a n easy list of most of the symptoms to schizophrenia
here it is if you're curious or think you may have it, whoever the fuck you are:
Social withdrawal
Hostility or suspiciousness
Deterioration of personal hygiene
Flat, expressionless gaze
Inability to cry or express joy
Inappropriate laughter or crying
Depression
Oversleeping or insomnia
Odd or irrational statements
Forgetful; unable to concentrate
Extreme reaction to criticism
Strange use of words or way of speaking
Belief that others, often a vague “they,” are out to get him or her. These persecutory delusions often involve bizarre ideas and plots (e.g. “Martians are trying to poison me with radioactive particles delivered through my tap water”).
A neutral environmental event is believed to have a special and personal meaning. For example, a person with schizophrenia might believe a billboard or a person on TV is sending a message meant specifically for them.
Belief that one is a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napolean. Alternately, delusions of grandeur may involve the belief that one has unusual powers that no one else has (e.g. the ability to fly).
Belief that one’s thoughts or actions are being controlled by outside, alien forces. Common delusions of control include thought broadcasting (“My private thoughts are being transmitted to others”), thought insertion (“Someone is planting thoughts in my head”), and thought withdrawal (“The CIA is robbing me of my thoughts.”).
Hallucinations
Tend to have trouble concentrating and maintaining a train of thought.
Rapidly shifting from topic to topic, with no connection between one thought and the next.
Made-up words or phrases that only have meaning to the patient.
Repetition of words and statements; saying the same thing over and over.
Meaningless use of rhyming words (“I said the bread and read the shed and fed Ned at the head.").
A decline in overall daily functioning
Unpredictable or inappropriate emotional responses
Behaviors that appear bizarre and have no purpose
Lack of inhibition and impulse control.
Lack of emotional expression, including a flat voice, lack of eye contact, and blank or restricted facial expressions.
Lack of interest or enthusiasm; no ability to pursue goal-driven activities.
Apparent unawareness of the environment, near total absence of motion and speech, aimless body movements and bizarre postures, lack of self-care.
Difficulties with speech, inability to carry a conversation, short and sometimes disconnected replies to questions, lessening of fluency.
Emotional indifference
Infantile behavior (baby talk, giggling)
Peculiar facial expressions and mannerisms
Impaired communication skills
Relationships suffer significantly because people with schizophrenia often withdraw and isolate themselves. Paranoia can also cause a person with schizophrenia to be suspicious of friends and family.
Schizophrenia causes significant disruptions to daily functioning, both because of social difficulties and because everyday tasks become hard, if not impossible to do. A person’s delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized thoughts typically prevent him or her from doing normal things like bathing, eating, or running errands.
Schizophrenics frequently develop problems with alcohol or drugs, which are often used in an attempt to self-medicate, or relieve symptoms. In addition, they may also be heavy smokers, a complicating situation as cigarette smoke can interfere with the effectiveness of medications prescribed for the disorder.
People with schizophrenia have a high risk of attempting suicide. Any suicidal talk, threats, or gestures should be taken very seriously. People with schizophrenia are especially likely to commit suicide during psychotic episodes, during periods of depression, and in the first six months after they’ve started treatment.
Difficult for a person to distinguish between what is real and unreal, to think clearly, and to behave in socially acceptable ways.
Anyways, whether I have it or not (I'd be really fucking shocked if I didn't I'd probably just kill myself, why, why not..) I feel everyone now, deals with life in such a generic fashion. Their emotions and everything it's just so pathetic, and unrelatable.
Fucck
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
no one cares, I'm not going to tell any dumb stories about meaningless shit that's been happening no matter how much impact it made in my dumb meaningless life,
because, evidently- it won't matter.
So, I decided to put together a n easy list of most of the symptoms to schizophrenia
here it is if you're curious or think you may have it, whoever the fuck you are:
Social withdrawal
Hostility or suspiciousness
Deterioration of personal hygiene
Flat, expressionless gaze
Inability to cry or express joy
Inappropriate laughter or crying
Depression
Oversleeping or insomnia
Odd or irrational statements
Forgetful; unable to concentrate
Extreme reaction to criticism
Strange use of words or way of speaking
Belief that others, often a vague “they,” are out to get him or her. These persecutory delusions often involve bizarre ideas and plots (e.g. “Martians are trying to poison me with radioactive particles delivered through my tap water”).
A neutral environmental event is believed to have a special and personal meaning. For example, a person with schizophrenia might believe a billboard or a person on TV is sending a message meant specifically for them.
Belief that one is a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napolean. Alternately, delusions of grandeur may involve the belief that one has unusual powers that no one else has (e.g. the ability to fly).
Belief that one’s thoughts or actions are being controlled by outside, alien forces. Common delusions of control include thought broadcasting (“My private thoughts are being transmitted to others”), thought insertion (“Someone is planting thoughts in my head”), and thought withdrawal (“The CIA is robbing me of my thoughts.”).
Hallucinations
Tend to have trouble concentrating and maintaining a train of thought.
Rapidly shifting from topic to topic, with no connection between one thought and the next.
Made-up words or phrases that only have meaning to the patient.
Repetition of words and statements; saying the same thing over and over.
Meaningless use of rhyming words (“I said the bread and read the shed and fed Ned at the head.").
A decline in overall daily functioning
Unpredictable or inappropriate emotional responses
Behaviors that appear bizarre and have no purpose
Lack of inhibition and impulse control.
Lack of emotional expression, including a flat voice, lack of eye contact, and blank or restricted facial expressions.
Lack of interest or enthusiasm; no ability to pursue goal-driven activities.
Apparent unawareness of the environment, near total absence of motion and speech, aimless body movements and bizarre postures, lack of self-care.
Difficulties with speech, inability to carry a conversation, short and sometimes disconnected replies to questions, lessening of fluency.
Emotional indifference
Infantile behavior (baby talk, giggling)
Peculiar facial expressions and mannerisms
Impaired communication skills
Relationships suffer significantly because people with schizophrenia often withdraw and isolate themselves. Paranoia can also cause a person with schizophrenia to be suspicious of friends and family.
Schizophrenia causes significant disruptions to daily functioning, both because of social difficulties and because everyday tasks become hard, if not impossible to do. A person’s delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized thoughts typically prevent him or her from doing normal things like bathing, eating, or running errands.
Schizophrenics frequently develop problems with alcohol or drugs, which are often used in an attempt to self-medicate, or relieve symptoms. In addition, they may also be heavy smokers, a complicating situation as cigarette smoke can interfere with the effectiveness of medications prescribed for the disorder.
People with schizophrenia have a high risk of attempting suicide. Any suicidal talk, threats, or gestures should be taken very seriously. People with schizophrenia are especially likely to commit suicide during psychotic episodes, during periods of depression, and in the first six months after they’ve started treatment.
Difficult for a person to distinguish between what is real and unreal, to think clearly, and to behave in socially acceptable ways.
Anyways, whether I have it or not (I'd be really fucking shocked if I didn't I'd probably just kill myself, why, why not..) I feel everyone now, deals with life in such a generic fashion. Their emotions and everything it's just so pathetic, and unrelatable.
Fucck
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
8/22/09
Double Fuck
Goddamn, the human race must be the most selfish and stupid of all.
Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down
Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down
8/20/09
Harsh Reality
First time in awhile I've had a clear enough head to decide to write a post that would actually have some... no, nothing makes sense, but this will be my best attempt at clearing my head a little bitI think this is because I've spent a fare bit of time alone which after flipping shits in my head I get a little calmer and less stressed. Also cutting releases endorphins, and I've also been taking maybe a little too much St. John's Wort; some herbal pills which are meant to help will sleep, restlessness and depression somewhat.
Obviously I will never be happy, but this mediocre mood feels really... refreshing.
Although I have not brushed my hair in days or anything like that, I feel pretty good, and what is the point in maintaining myself on the outside when I'm a total wreck inside, it would be a complete lie. And not even worth the effort whatsoever it's the last thing on my mind ever now; my appearance that is. My heads always scrambled and crazy so I can't think of much but that.
Normally when I use drugs or alcohol now to numb me, it just ends out... badly.
But hey, I still can't help myself, just feeling anything different from what I always do, no matter what that feeling is, would be a relief.
I haven't sketched in awhile either
nor have I dont anything in my usual habits
because,
I just haven't thought about it, or cared enough to
because I'm always so fucking confused and angry.
All I do is keep to myself and listen to my music, tend to be blowing everyone off as well, but I think it's for the best at this point.
No one TRULY cares about how I'm feeling inside, what I'm going through or what I've been doing, just so long as it doesnt affect THEM negatively, because the human race is so goddamn selfish, they don't care about you, just how you make them feel.
'Here for me' my ass, everyones in it for themselves
Now, i can't be there for anyone either.
...
...
Maybe I will start fitting in a little more with people, because I have lost all thoughtfulness, politeness, decency, or care. Honestly, now, I'm a total bitch- sucks for you, but you don't even know how much this all sucks for me
But honestly, do you even care?
FUCK NO YOU DON'T!
Good Times- Finger Eleven
8/19/09
ANGRY & SCARED while being STONED.
FIUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUKF UFKCKKCKCK
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
!!!
Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
!!!
Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
8/18/09
FUCK
How can I be expected to let people [think they] know me, or get to know me
when I don't know myself?
Rape Me - Nirvana
when I don't know myself?
Rape Me - Nirvana
Drunk post i'll probably regret
The few days I've probably needed my boyfriend, and my best friend the most in my entire life I'm hoping just passed but I'm sure arent done...
They claim to be here for me, and my family is. But really, in the end what does any of that mean. NOTHING. FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NOTHIGN
IM JUST GOING TO FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCKKIGN! DIE. just like you, fuck.
last night was the worst night, with my anger/ schizo episodes
worst,
i got enough concsience and care to text jon, but couldnt seem to get out what id texted him forand didnt really think he cared or understood
i dont think anyone would.
havent talked to chanelle in awhile
though i cant say how long its been, CONSIDERING I GET REALITY MIXED UP WITH MY IMAGINATION, i have horrible time perception, and i don't even know what happens or what doesnt at this point. I used to think, and believe i was crazy
lmfaaaAAAAOO
who wasi to think that a few years ago
i may have been weird, but i had NO idea how fucked up a person could get
i do now.
i cant express it to anyone
no one know
or understands int eh FUCKING least
cause their all sane
sane as anyone can be at least
fuck the fake problems, there are real ones out there that dont compare to the ones you may think you have you fucking idiot.
YOU DONT KNOW FUCKING SHIT
best friend was cooped up for the weekend, before asking me to hangout ro anything she had my boyfriend over, cant say that im angry
cause at least point
im too FUCKED
and too fucking numb to feel shito
but its preetty weird, and maybe its just me, you knw what, i bet it is
everything FUCKING my fault.
somehow
everything is.
or maybe it is as fucked as i think it is but i could care less, i cant think strqight
especilly about 'real' shit, when ive got all this other shit in my head
which in REALITY lets call it, no one actually GIVES A FUCCCCCKK ABOUT
they just care about hopw it eeffects them,
and its obviously an aggravating nuissance to them so i try not to talk to anyone
i need a few more days
to drink
get high
and be alone
.
this will probably in the end make everything worse. biut for now its all i cant FUCKING HANBDLELRWEAWjgsjkgfidhfghfsdkhghgdfdhfdhjfghfgiohjgfhfdhkgghkfddddddddddddddddddddddddd
They claim to be here for me, and my family is. But really, in the end what does any of that mean. NOTHING. FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NOTHIGN
IM JUST GOING TO FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCKKIGN! DIE. just like you, fuck.
last night was the worst night, with my anger/ schizo episodes
worst,
i got enough concsience and care to text jon, but couldnt seem to get out what id texted him forand didnt really think he cared or understood
i dont think anyone would.
havent talked to chanelle in awhile
though i cant say how long its been, CONSIDERING I GET REALITY MIXED UP WITH MY IMAGINATION, i have horrible time perception, and i don't even know what happens or what doesnt at this point. I used to think, and believe i was crazy
lmfaaaAAAAOO
who wasi to think that a few years ago
i may have been weird, but i had NO idea how fucked up a person could get
i do now.
i cant express it to anyone
no one know
or understands int eh FUCKING least
cause their all sane
sane as anyone can be at least
fuck the fake problems, there are real ones out there that dont compare to the ones you may think you have you fucking idiot.
YOU DONT KNOW FUCKING SHIT
best friend was cooped up for the weekend, before asking me to hangout ro anything she had my boyfriend over, cant say that im angry
cause at least point
im too FUCKED
and too fucking numb to feel shito
but its preetty weird, and maybe its just me, you knw what, i bet it is
everything FUCKING my fault.
somehow
everything is.
or maybe it is as fucked as i think it is but i could care less, i cant think strqight
especilly about 'real' shit, when ive got all this other shit in my head
which in REALITY lets call it, no one actually GIVES A FUCCCCCKK ABOUT
they just care about hopw it eeffects them,
and its obviously an aggravating nuissance to them so i try not to talk to anyone
i need a few more days
to drink
get high
and be alone
.
this will probably in the end make everything worse. biut for now its all i cant FUCKING HANBDLELRWEAWjgsjkgfidhfghfsdkhghgdfdhfdhjfghfgiohjgfhfdhkgghkfddddddddddddddddddddddddd
8/15/09
Goodmorning You Fuck
I'm going to have to start smoking weed everynight, it helps me sleep. Once the initial high wears off at least. I've been told that it can increase the risk of schizophrenia but I'm pretty sure it's too late for me, which would be why I'm going to start smoking it frequently, again.
Also it can put you further into depression apparently, but at this point I don't care, I'm just barely holding on and trying to get through the present, I don't give a fuck about the future.
I don't believe I have one.
Haha oh old bad habits...
I, at least, will probably always go back to them.
I've been bingeing and starving, biting my nails till they bleed, not to mention cutting.
The first two probably don't help me much or matter, and the last one I'm pretty ashamed of. I know I shouldn't be, not because it hurts me obviously, but the few people who care about me don't like it. I don't want to upset them, should I even tell them? For now I'm thinking no, because it's my only option left now for living at all.
Only once in awhile now do I get a few seconds of my sanity back. Where everything, mostly, looks the same. I feel slight happiness and normality. It's nice. That never lasts long.
I sometimes have to ask people if something happened or didn't. Because my take on reality is so fucked now. I don't know what's real, but if something feels real to me, then I guess it is real to me...
No Jesus Christ - Seether
Also it can put you further into depression apparently, but at this point I don't care, I'm just barely holding on and trying to get through the present, I don't give a fuck about the future.
I don't believe I have one.
Haha oh old bad habits...
I, at least, will probably always go back to them.
I've been bingeing and starving, biting my nails till they bleed, not to mention cutting.
The first two probably don't help me much or matter, and the last one I'm pretty ashamed of. I know I shouldn't be, not because it hurts me obviously, but the few people who care about me don't like it. I don't want to upset them, should I even tell them? For now I'm thinking no, because it's my only option left now for living at all.
Only once in awhile now do I get a few seconds of my sanity back. Where everything, mostly, looks the same. I feel slight happiness and normality. It's nice. That never lasts long.
I sometimes have to ask people if something happened or didn't. Because my take on reality is so fucked now. I don't know what's real, but if something feels real to me, then I guess it is real to me...
No Jesus Christ - Seether
Fuck forced education!
No internet connection - (posted late)
The thought of the summer ending terrifies me
It’s not that I love the season, though apart from the bugs it’s pretty nice I suppose. I still prefer Autumn…
It’s that I know how much more I’ll fall apart with having to wake up and go to school every morning. Having to see the perverted asshole faggots coming to their first year of high school, and the girls who think they’ll own it. My old bitch friends. Asshole ex’s. Asshole teachers. Authority altogether pisses me off, so I piss them off, which makes them piss me off more. The horrible music in the halls. The loud obnoxious dumb bitches everywhere. Schedules. Homework. Projects. Classmates. Rules. FUCK, I just can’t do it. And the days when my best friend will evidently miss due to sickness and whatnot will kill me inside. The ones I know I’ll skip…
Last year I skipped about half my classes in the second semester, and the ones I went to I was high as a kite or asleep. Didn’t meet my guidance counselor till she tracked me down for missing classes and my teachers had given her some of my, I guess morbid, projects or work which was apparently inappropriate… Fuckin bull. She’d call me to her office everyday to ‘check-in’ and force me to tell her how unhappy I was and ask me shit I hadn’t told anyone. Claimed she’d keep it to herself, I never trusted anyone but I figured, what the hell I don’t give a fuck anyways and hoped she’d leave me alone. But naahh, she decided to tell my whole family shit. Told me to see a psychotherapist, so I dealt with her, my doctor, my family, and of course the retro dumbshit therapist. That was brutal. This year is bound to be worse, considering I’m starting off on an even worse note than last year. Dreading it instead of looking forward to it. I’ll be done as soon as I step into my first class. I guarantee I will not be able to get through it.
Although my guidance counselor attempted to make me some kind of project of hers, tried to make me better but no one can. She either has sympathy or intrigue, either way I’m sure I guilt trip her into helping me get out of classes and change most of them as well. That’s about the only positive thing I can think of; that I can manipulate my guidance counselor. Wow.
I Want To Kill You Like They Do In The Movies – Marilyn Manson
I will be the next serial killer
No internet connection - (posted late)
I am, right now, sitting in the clubhouse as the court attendant at this shitty tennis courts job on a Friday night. It’s quite sad, though I haven’t worked in awhile so I may make it through this shift alive. My best friend has strep throat. My mom found that I had Jon sleepover last night so I’m not allowed to go out for a coupla days, but I can have people over so I’m not too upset over that. Plus alone time is always nice anyways...
I haven’t written recently, since my trip I guess. That’s because, well I guess cause I don’t care enough and that I’ve been trying to get my life on track. Whatever that track is, I’m still not on it and if I am that’s really depressing. Anyways basically I hate using sayings like that but I don’t much know how to put it any better than that.
Everything’s still ultimately fucked.
I think I was born to be alone though, I have difficulty with relationships and I love being alone. I can only cope and have a relationship with very few people, I have to REALLY like them, a motherfucking lot. But still, I know I’m not good enough, for any of this.
If anything happens, meaning I’ll most likely scare Jon away somehow and if something happens to my relationship with Chanelle, I know she can put up with whatever may be wrong with me cause she’s used to it now I don’t see what could separate us… anyways run-on sentence there… I just mean if the relationships I still have now fail, I will never have any others. If I care enough about someone to open up to them and give what I’m capable of to the relationship because I couldn’t live without them, I am with them now. Not at this specific moment obviously. And obviously I’m too confused by everything to write a decent post that makes any sense at all. But there’s no one else in this world I could love enough to want to spend time around, apart from the people I do now. I also wouldn’t want to burden anyone else I could have any relationship with. It’s too late for the people who are already in my life, sucks majjooorrr for them.
I’m too close to the edge now to deal with and strong emotions or any amount of stress.
Work. Planning. Cleaning. Lectures. School. Argument. Children. Asians. Restlessness. My inability to sleep. Conversation. Boredom. Memory Failure. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Relationships. Crowds.
This FFUCCKING world.
It’s too much. Without all of that, I have trouble coping with even myself…
I fucking give up on this post. I can’t express anything I want to this is bullshit.
Respect – Pantera
I am, right now, sitting in the clubhouse as the court attendant at this shitty tennis courts job on a Friday night. It’s quite sad, though I haven’t worked in awhile so I may make it through this shift alive. My best friend has strep throat. My mom found that I had Jon sleepover last night so I’m not allowed to go out for a coupla days, but I can have people over so I’m not too upset over that. Plus alone time is always nice anyways...
I haven’t written recently, since my trip I guess. That’s because, well I guess cause I don’t care enough and that I’ve been trying to get my life on track. Whatever that track is, I’m still not on it and if I am that’s really depressing. Anyways basically I hate using sayings like that but I don’t much know how to put it any better than that.
Everything’s still ultimately fucked.
I think I was born to be alone though, I have difficulty with relationships and I love being alone. I can only cope and have a relationship with very few people, I have to REALLY like them, a motherfucking lot. But still, I know I’m not good enough, for any of this.
If anything happens, meaning I’ll most likely scare Jon away somehow and if something happens to my relationship with Chanelle, I know she can put up with whatever may be wrong with me cause she’s used to it now I don’t see what could separate us… anyways run-on sentence there… I just mean if the relationships I still have now fail, I will never have any others. If I care enough about someone to open up to them and give what I’m capable of to the relationship because I couldn’t live without them, I am with them now. Not at this specific moment obviously. And obviously I’m too confused by everything to write a decent post that makes any sense at all. But there’s no one else in this world I could love enough to want to spend time around, apart from the people I do now. I also wouldn’t want to burden anyone else I could have any relationship with. It’s too late for the people who are already in my life, sucks majjooorrr for them.
I’m too close to the edge now to deal with and strong emotions or any amount of stress.
Work. Planning. Cleaning. Lectures. School. Argument. Children. Asians. Restlessness. My inability to sleep. Conversation. Boredom. Memory Failure. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Relationships. Crowds.
This FFUCCKING world.
It’s too much. Without all of that, I have trouble coping with even myself…
I fucking give up on this post. I can’t express anything I want to this is bullshit.
Respect – Pantera
8/10/09
Let's just call this August 9th...
No internet connection - (posted late)
No plan for this post, just going to ramble and clear my head a bit.
I’m sitting in my car outside a gas station to get some redbull and such for the rest of our drive to Toronto. We just stayed in Niagara Falls last night, the same hotel as the last time I visited there. Before this, I’d stopped in Syracuse and bought just some pants and a Pink Floyd shirt, and kept driving. I feel as though I’ve driven this last month away. Although I think it’s been a week, I’m never really sure.
When driving by the falls this morning, I watched as all the stupid people took pictures and walked up and down the sidewalk- enjoying their dumb and typical lives.
I’m used to just looking around big crowds and hating every disgusting human in it and feeling so unattached from myself and everyone around me.
Anyways, the point of this was... You know the feeling you get when you look at those really old people who look like they may just collapse or die when you look at them? The ones who you wonder what they are still living for, the ones with a minimum of 10 diseases and no future left? The ones that probably have no friends or spouse because they are all dead… But they continue to live their lives, waking up every morning, going out for groceries and that’s pretty much all except when they go to church to pray for everything they’ll never have again. They just wallow about in self pity, while we all pity them too. I would just kill myself, but when I see them walking around I want to just kill myself anways, I feel sick to my stomach and not because I feel bad for them- but because it disgusts me. This is what humans are, what they all become. Then we all die and turn into waste and soil. We’ll soon cover the whole earth in graveyards and hopefully the human race will just die off and this earth will become a peaceful shithole of nothing.
Again I got off track a bit, what I was going to say was that there was a man in some Christian shirt who looked about 90 and probably weighed just that much, pushing around his fat old wife in a wheelchair. Trying to enjoy what they have left of their lives I guess, pathetic as it was to watch… This man collapsed somehow pulling the wheelchair back, ending in a tragic horrendous and just sickening reality. The woman smacked her head on the cement so hard as the man toppled on top of her, fortunately then I drove off as a crowd of idiots swarmed them.
I was laughing for a little long I guess as me and my sister joked around a bit about it, she was mostly sympathetic but when I laughed for so long and made cold heartless comments, I sort of took the joke too far. She called me a bad person, and I know to her I am, she doesn’t know the half of what goes on in my head. But I feel as though I’m not, years ago when I was naïve and innocent I would have thought myself to be a scary, heartless, psychotic bitch. But you can’t say this about anyone until you can get in their heads. See what makes them this way; it’s probably you and the rest of the world. You fucking shitface!
The white noise of the tires on the asphalt and my Sisters steady asleep breaths, oh and the GPS we’ve named Carl.
No plan for this post, just going to ramble and clear my head a bit.
I’m sitting in my car outside a gas station to get some redbull and such for the rest of our drive to Toronto. We just stayed in Niagara Falls last night, the same hotel as the last time I visited there. Before this, I’d stopped in Syracuse and bought just some pants and a Pink Floyd shirt, and kept driving. I feel as though I’ve driven this last month away. Although I think it’s been a week, I’m never really sure.
When driving by the falls this morning, I watched as all the stupid people took pictures and walked up and down the sidewalk- enjoying their dumb and typical lives.
I’m used to just looking around big crowds and hating every disgusting human in it and feeling so unattached from myself and everyone around me.
Anyways, the point of this was... You know the feeling you get when you look at those really old people who look like they may just collapse or die when you look at them? The ones who you wonder what they are still living for, the ones with a minimum of 10 diseases and no future left? The ones that probably have no friends or spouse because they are all dead… But they continue to live their lives, waking up every morning, going out for groceries and that’s pretty much all except when they go to church to pray for everything they’ll never have again. They just wallow about in self pity, while we all pity them too. I would just kill myself, but when I see them walking around I want to just kill myself anways, I feel sick to my stomach and not because I feel bad for them- but because it disgusts me. This is what humans are, what they all become. Then we all die and turn into waste and soil. We’ll soon cover the whole earth in graveyards and hopefully the human race will just die off and this earth will become a peaceful shithole of nothing.
Again I got off track a bit, what I was going to say was that there was a man in some Christian shirt who looked about 90 and probably weighed just that much, pushing around his fat old wife in a wheelchair. Trying to enjoy what they have left of their lives I guess, pathetic as it was to watch… This man collapsed somehow pulling the wheelchair back, ending in a tragic horrendous and just sickening reality. The woman smacked her head on the cement so hard as the man toppled on top of her, fortunately then I drove off as a crowd of idiots swarmed them.
I was laughing for a little long I guess as me and my sister joked around a bit about it, she was mostly sympathetic but when I laughed for so long and made cold heartless comments, I sort of took the joke too far. She called me a bad person, and I know to her I am, she doesn’t know the half of what goes on in my head. But I feel as though I’m not, years ago when I was naïve and innocent I would have thought myself to be a scary, heartless, psychotic bitch. But you can’t say this about anyone until you can get in their heads. See what makes them this way; it’s probably you and the rest of the world. You fucking shitface!
The white noise of the tires on the asphalt and my Sisters steady asleep breaths, oh and the GPS we’ve named Carl.
Don’t even read this you fucking asshole!
No internet connection - (posted late)
Hate is all I do
Fuck society, leeches to it.
Fuck religion, god worshippers
Fuck church, the fanatics
Fuck America, and its laws
Fuck yellow shirts, the assholes in them
Fuck white-rimmed sunglasses, the douches in them
Fuck store-bought shit, the Asians who made it, their shitty driving
Fuck Bad music, the listeners
Fuck morals, the ones who force theirs on you
Fuck reputations, the shallow ones who judge you
Fuck designer brands, the bitches who wear them
Fuck earth, and life on it
Fuck this blog, me for writing it
And you, for reading it.
Sweet Dreams – Marilyn Manson
Hate is all I do
Fuck society, leeches to it.
Fuck religion, god worshippers
Fuck church, the fanatics
Fuck America, and its laws
Fuck yellow shirts, the assholes in them
Fuck white-rimmed sunglasses, the douches in them
Fuck store-bought shit, the Asians who made it, their shitty driving
Fuck Bad music, the listeners
Fuck morals, the ones who force theirs on you
Fuck reputations, the shallow ones who judge you
Fuck designer brands, the bitches who wear them
Fuck earth, and life on it
Fuck this blog, me for writing it
And you, for reading it.
Sweet Dreams – Marilyn Manson
Fuck 'reality'.
No internet connection - (posted late)
So I just woke up from a nap and I’m just driving down the highway apparently.
But I just had the most real dream I ever had, I still believe it happened. I experienced the smells, the tastes, the movement, the emotions, the physical contact, and of course the sounds and sights. I felt more involved, more a part of my ‘dream’ than I ever do when I’m ‘awake’. On top of the whole dream itself, inside my head in the dream I had separate thoughts. I could think for myself, and clearly (which I can’t even seem to do ‘awake’) All my dreams feel incredibly real, and all my hallucinations, my dissociation- The whole lot of it feels so much more real to me than plain life. So maybe, for me, or for everyone, none of us are actually living right now while we’re ‘awake’. Maybe being awake is just a glitch, until the system gets reset and we live in our dreams again. I always feel lost and confused when I’m awake- maybe this feeling is suitable, maybe everyone should feel this way. Everyone just holds on to this thing we call life on earth because they feel safe, but they’re all just stupid, really. Try dreaming.
Immediate conversation with my sister after I awoke..
------------
Me: *looks at her* I just met Marilyn Manson.
Her: IN YOUR DREAMS! :P
Me: Does it matter?
------------
It doesn’t to me, I experienced it either way.
It was the best dream I ever recall having, the best time of my life, just happened sitting in this car. The dream was days long, but I woke up at basically the same time of day in this world. I want to go back to living, I want to fall asleep forever.
Maybe I’ve just gone crazy
Pretty As A Swastika – Marilyn Manson
So I just woke up from a nap and I’m just driving down the highway apparently.
But I just had the most real dream I ever had, I still believe it happened. I experienced the smells, the tastes, the movement, the emotions, the physical contact, and of course the sounds and sights. I felt more involved, more a part of my ‘dream’ than I ever do when I’m ‘awake’. On top of the whole dream itself, inside my head in the dream I had separate thoughts. I could think for myself, and clearly (which I can’t even seem to do ‘awake’) All my dreams feel incredibly real, and all my hallucinations, my dissociation- The whole lot of it feels so much more real to me than plain life. So maybe, for me, or for everyone, none of us are actually living right now while we’re ‘awake’. Maybe being awake is just a glitch, until the system gets reset and we live in our dreams again. I always feel lost and confused when I’m awake- maybe this feeling is suitable, maybe everyone should feel this way. Everyone just holds on to this thing we call life on earth because they feel safe, but they’re all just stupid, really. Try dreaming.
Immediate conversation with my sister after I awoke..
------------
Me: *looks at her* I just met Marilyn Manson.
Her: IN YOUR DREAMS! :P
Me: Does it matter?
------------
It doesn’t to me, I experienced it either way.
It was the best dream I ever recall having, the best time of my life, just happened sitting in this car. The dream was days long, but I woke up at basically the same time of day in this world. I want to go back to living, I want to fall asleep forever.
Maybe I’ve just gone crazy
Pretty As A Swastika – Marilyn Manson
8/6/09
My paranoia and private life bothers my family, what canya do though
Alright, so evidently I was already at the Mayhem festival, there's no scanning out so I left and bought a new ticket to go back later. Marilyn and Slayer aren't on till later.
So i figured I could leave, change into something comfortable and drink, and I guess write on my motherfucking blog.
I bought a concert tee-marilyn manson of course. Now I have three mm shirts :)
Lookk at that positivity. I'm the greatest optimist of all time.
Or maybe just the most sarcastic.
I took an online screening test for schizophrenia, it said I was develloping it. Of course, you can only trust those things so much, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor about it. Last time I saw my doctor he did recommend me to a psychotherapist so he knows that I have depression problems or whatnot and I don't really care about his opinion of me, I'm just scared my worries will be confirmed. And I'll dread the rest of my life even more, knowing this isn't some phase or personality or mental disorder that's temporary. Shizophrenia is not temporary, and it's not something to laugh about.
The Nameless - Slipknot
So i figured I could leave, change into something comfortable and drink, and I guess write on my motherfucking blog.
I bought a concert tee-marilyn manson of course. Now I have three mm shirts :)
Lookk at that positivity. I'm the greatest optimist of all time.
Or maybe just the most sarcastic.
I took an online screening test for schizophrenia, it said I was develloping it. Of course, you can only trust those things so much, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor about it. Last time I saw my doctor he did recommend me to a psychotherapist so he knows that I have depression problems or whatnot and I don't really care about his opinion of me, I'm just scared my worries will be confirmed. And I'll dread the rest of my life even more, knowing this isn't some phase or personality or mental disorder that's temporary. Shizophrenia is not temporary, and it's not something to laugh about.
The Nameless - Slipknot
i know i write too many posts. it's because i lost my brains memory storage this is a lame attempt to replace it.
Well I’m sitting in my car outside the Marilyn Manson/Slayer concert- in a huge fucking storm, fuck. I stood in line among all the crazed fans, thrilled at just the fact I knew how close I was to the man I’ve always admired to the core. But the shows been postponed and all us fans are waiting in our cars sopping wet, the lightning, the thunder, the rain; none of it bothered me, it’s all about the music. If anything the dark clouds and storm would add to the environment, considering the setting wasn’t so suitable before… All I’m worried about is if the storm doesn’t end the concert won’t happen at all. I’ve been looking forward to this for so long, pulling into the parking lot I almost cried- pathetic I know. I will sit here for months to see this concert, but I know if the storm doesn’t end soon I won’t have to, won’t get to. ):
Considering the circumstances I am writing this on a document with the lack of internet access and all, so won’t be posting it until tonight probably. Or tomorrow, because tonight I’ll hopefully be watching Marilyn and experiencing the extremes of every emotion. The man amazes me, I look up to him, relate to him. Everyone around me bashes him when it’s really a dig at me I feel. Doesn’t bother me, I know they just don’t understand, no one can.
I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell – Marilyn Manson
Considering the circumstances I am writing this on a document with the lack of internet access and all, so won’t be posting it until tonight probably. Or tomorrow, because tonight I’ll hopefully be watching Marilyn and experiencing the extremes of every emotion. The man amazes me, I look up to him, relate to him. Everyone around me bashes him when it’s really a dig at me I feel. Doesn’t bother me, I know they just don’t understand, no one can.
I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell – Marilyn Manson
Everyones snoring and grinding their teeth away. I'm just losing my mind.
Sobered up and can't sleep, and my nightmares seem to start before I fall asleep and as soon as I do, they wake me up. I've been having problems with psychosis as well, just about everything is fucked up now, every single, small, little, miniscule, minor detail, everything is off.
Everyone (my sister, her boyfriend, and my mother) are all asleep. We're in a hotel room on the bottom floor with a huge window overlooking the beach and we can just walk outside whenever and be on the beach, I'm sitting next to the window and it's brutally dark outside and had been storming all day. I watched an old man walk all alone outside down to the beach looking very pathetic, almost as pathetic as i feel right now, I never saw where he went but it was dark and stormy and I feel as though he may have just killed himself. I'll pick up a newspaper tomorrow and see that this guess was true and feel horrible. Not that I didn't help him, he saved himself but just feel depressed about life even more so in every way, as I do when just about anything happens.
I just told Jon I may let him read all this one day, I'm dreading that day :P.
Cold And Ugly - Tool
Everyone (my sister, her boyfriend, and my mother) are all asleep. We're in a hotel room on the bottom floor with a huge window overlooking the beach and we can just walk outside whenever and be on the beach, I'm sitting next to the window and it's brutally dark outside and had been storming all day. I watched an old man walk all alone outside down to the beach looking very pathetic, almost as pathetic as i feel right now, I never saw where he went but it was dark and stormy and I feel as though he may have just killed himself. I'll pick up a newspaper tomorrow and see that this guess was true and feel horrible. Not that I didn't help him, he saved himself but just feel depressed about life even more so in every way, as I do when just about anything happens.
I just told Jon I may let him read all this one day, I'm dreading that day :P.
Cold And Ugly - Tool
8/5/09
I am nothing.
I'm now finally In virginia Beach, it's storming and will be throughout the Marilyn Manson/Slayer concert most likely. Seems like it storms wherever I go, I feel like i control the weather everywhere I am xP that sounds ridiculous. Anyways we just had a power outage in the hotel but thankfull I'm on my laptop.
My hair is so tangled and matted from having my head out the window for over ten hours on the highway. I almost had my arm snapped off out the window and lost it in the town of stench and inbreads (Delaware)- Maybe I'm being harsh but it was a pretty fucked up place, at least where I was. Some man told me he was a pervert, everything was odd.
Also, there was a lot of cemetaries.
Anyways, it's storming incredibly here, I was just outside and I think an old man just committed suicide on the beach or is hiding in the porta-potty. Not too sure, I never am, about anything.
I never know what's real or not anymore. I'm never sure, even about conversations I have with people, nothing. My reality is obscured and my imagination seems to have become reality.
I'm drinking a bunch of water right now, trying to avoid a hangover for the concert tomorrow. Even though it may b cancelled, and i will probablby continue drinking.
I noticed something, not just today but for years now, the one thing I appreciate about americans (men). They don't look at you the way ethnic men do, you can easily be ignored by them. Whereas I can act and look as grosss as it gets and the spanish or whatnot men, stare at you as long as they can with dirty grins like theyve never seen a woman in their lives. It really bothers me, so normally I ignore it, or look at them like theyre pieces of shit just for fun, but I think that turns them on even more. No matter what you look like, if you have a vagina, they love you. Then again most american men are like that too, but not as obvious about it, all men are sick. and all women are just horrible, despicable, awful things that all SHOULD be beaten and inslaved by men. Woman are pathetic, I hate myself for being one, I hate myself for being human. I detest my species. You disgust me. I disgust myself.
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
My hair is so tangled and matted from having my head out the window for over ten hours on the highway. I almost had my arm snapped off out the window and lost it in the town of stench and inbreads (Delaware)- Maybe I'm being harsh but it was a pretty fucked up place, at least where I was. Some man told me he was a pervert, everything was odd.
Also, there was a lot of cemetaries.
Anyways, it's storming incredibly here, I was just outside and I think an old man just committed suicide on the beach or is hiding in the porta-potty. Not too sure, I never am, about anything.
I never know what's real or not anymore. I'm never sure, even about conversations I have with people, nothing. My reality is obscured and my imagination seems to have become reality.
I'm drinking a bunch of water right now, trying to avoid a hangover for the concert tomorrow. Even though it may b cancelled, and i will probablby continue drinking.
I noticed something, not just today but for years now, the one thing I appreciate about americans (men). They don't look at you the way ethnic men do, you can easily be ignored by them. Whereas I can act and look as grosss as it gets and the spanish or whatnot men, stare at you as long as they can with dirty grins like theyve never seen a woman in their lives. It really bothers me, so normally I ignore it, or look at them like theyre pieces of shit just for fun, but I think that turns them on even more. No matter what you look like, if you have a vagina, they love you. Then again most american men are like that too, but not as obvious about it, all men are sick. and all women are just horrible, despicable, awful things that all SHOULD be beaten and inslaved by men. Woman are pathetic, I hate myself for being one, I hate myself for being human. I detest my species. You disgust me. I disgust myself.
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
Storms wherever I go- suitable.
What Am I doing right now?. I am in Scanton
Motherfuckin' pennsylvania, u.s.a.
And kinda fucin drunk in some random hotel room.
I think Cake Is playing... odd.
I saw them live this summer, not bad, about the same as their recorded songs, which isnt that great either but anywho
t5his is not what i meant to write about, this being cake.
I'm not a cake fan
My head hurts from my brain sloshing around in my skull
from so much headbangning in the car ride here after loads of redbull
Anyways apparently I do't actually know what I meant for this post to be about so You can just read about all the shit that I end up typing.
Some guy my age came and knocked on the hotel room door and mumbled shit all, I didn't let him in.
ooo primus
anyways I am in pennsylvania after driving all night long with he head out the window going 140 km an hour or so all he way, apart from when I stopped for mcdicks XD, cause Im on my way to virginia beach. I'm headed there for the concert I've been waiting for for who knows how long. I have idolized,worshipped, loved,researched, drawn, and so much more this man, marilyn manson. he is playing with SLAYER. and killswitch engage and whoever else. Slayer should be good, but marilyn is the only other human on the earth I feel I can truly relate to. Thouh he's more creative and intelligent than anyone I've ever met, I havent yet met him yet, and probably not you either, but this I can still say for sure.
After that, I am headed to syracuse for some shopping -_-
then to toronto for a nickelback/hinder/etc concert and possibly picking up chanelle, my best friend whos been there for awhile and all hesding home!
Home...
hmm
not too thrilled about that
but I will want to see Jon really badly I guarantee by the end of this week so thats the only reason I;ll be goung back the thAT hellhole of suburbia.
I got A new lighter today at some very odd place, it's 'ill' if i may. haah, i think i also creeped out the man working at the border. not that thats related i guess
Today i rode for 5 hours, didnt sleep, still havent and probably wont
Anyways I swear I was writing this for a reason and I had shit to say, but in the end of everything what will this matter? So I caqnt be too upset trhat i've copmpletely forgotten and rambnled about fcukallllll
Maybe ill sketch till I head out again for an even longer ride, it'sd a good thing the car is my favourite place to be and probably drink some more
Can't smoke any weed cause i figured smuggling it in and smoking it where its uber illiegal wasnt the beesssssttt plan since i have alcohol, i couldnt even carry drug parapheniliaa sdo i prety much had t o bring an empty purse lmfao
AM i in a different Time zone> ? :O hooo shit
Ballad Of Bodacious - Primus
Motherfuckin' pennsylvania, u.s.a.
And kinda fucin drunk in some random hotel room.
I think Cake Is playing... odd.
I saw them live this summer, not bad, about the same as their recorded songs, which isnt that great either but anywho
t5his is not what i meant to write about, this being cake.
I'm not a cake fan
My head hurts from my brain sloshing around in my skull
from so much headbangning in the car ride here after loads of redbull
Anyways apparently I do't actually know what I meant for this post to be about so You can just read about all the shit that I end up typing.
Some guy my age came and knocked on the hotel room door and mumbled shit all, I didn't let him in.
ooo primus
anyways I am in pennsylvania after driving all night long with he head out the window going 140 km an hour or so all he way, apart from when I stopped for mcdicks XD, cause Im on my way to virginia beach. I'm headed there for the concert I've been waiting for for who knows how long. I have idolized,worshipped, loved,researched, drawn, and so much more this man, marilyn manson. he is playing with SLAYER. and killswitch engage and whoever else. Slayer should be good, but marilyn is the only other human on the earth I feel I can truly relate to. Thouh he's more creative and intelligent than anyone I've ever met, I havent yet met him yet, and probably not you either, but this I can still say for sure.
After that, I am headed to syracuse for some shopping -_-
then to toronto for a nickelback/hinder/etc concert and possibly picking up chanelle, my best friend whos been there for awhile and all hesding home!
Home...
hmm
not too thrilled about that
but I will want to see Jon really badly I guarantee by the end of this week so thats the only reason I;ll be goung back the thAT hellhole of suburbia.
I got A new lighter today at some very odd place, it's 'ill' if i may. haah, i think i also creeped out the man working at the border. not that thats related i guess
Today i rode for 5 hours, didnt sleep, still havent and probably wont
Anyways I swear I was writing this for a reason and I had shit to say, but in the end of everything what will this matter? So I caqnt be too upset trhat i've copmpletely forgotten and rambnled about fcukallllll
Maybe ill sketch till I head out again for an even longer ride, it'sd a good thing the car is my favourite place to be and probably drink some more
Can't smoke any weed cause i figured smuggling it in and smoking it where its uber illiegal wasnt the beesssssttt plan since i have alcohol, i couldnt even carry drug parapheniliaa sdo i prety much had t o bring an empty purse lmfao
AM i in a different Time zone> ? :O hooo shit
Ballad Of Bodacious - Primus
8/4/09
Schizo on Schizophrenia
As mentioned, I've been doing a lot of research.
It obviously isn't helping me sleep, being on the computer so late. But it keeps me somewhat focused and calm as opposed to laying alone in the dark with nothing but myself, that can get ugly. I think in the last 5 days I've gotten about 5 hours sleep, with loads of nightmares which tend to wake me up. I'm fucking exhausted and my face is starting to look really.. sick.
Anyways I found some causes of schizophrenia, I'll list the ones I found interesting which relate to me. I'm starting to use this blog more of a personal journal to keep track of everything, even though it's not working I'm totally lost.. not the point, if your not me, and you don't like this, it's simple just fuck off.
People diagnosed with it, are more likely to be born in Winter or Spring.
Odd I know, and.. fuccccck.
Living in an urban environment can be a risk.
Suubburrbiiaa man, it's irritating.
Social disadvantage, migration related to social adversity, racial discrimination, family dysfunction..
Of course half of the people diagnosed abuse drugs &/or alcohol but this has not been proven to be a factor or a cause. Though marijuana is likely to be.
Out of all the drugs? Really, I don't even qualify that as a drug... (says the pothead)
Comprehensible reactions to impossible demands that society and particularly family life places on some sensitive individuals..
Anyways, moving on...
I've read into this a lot, including all the associated illnesses, just about everything.
I've been told, by the internet of course, that without treatment or medication I will continue to isolate myself and my relationships will eventually diminish, etc.. I can see this happening.
But I refuse to believe I'm devellopping schizophrenia, yet.
But I see no other explanation for what's going on. I just don't.
Shattered - Pantera
It obviously isn't helping me sleep, being on the computer so late. But it keeps me somewhat focused and calm as opposed to laying alone in the dark with nothing but myself, that can get ugly. I think in the last 5 days I've gotten about 5 hours sleep, with loads of nightmares which tend to wake me up. I'm fucking exhausted and my face is starting to look really.. sick.
Anyways I found some causes of schizophrenia, I'll list the ones I found interesting which relate to me. I'm starting to use this blog more of a personal journal to keep track of everything, even though it's not working I'm totally lost.. not the point, if your not me, and you don't like this, it's simple just fuck off.
People diagnosed with it, are more likely to be born in Winter or Spring.
Odd I know, and.. fuccccck.
Living in an urban environment can be a risk.
Suubburrbiiaa man, it's irritating.
Social disadvantage, migration related to social adversity, racial discrimination, family dysfunction..
Of course half of the people diagnosed abuse drugs &/or alcohol but this has not been proven to be a factor or a cause. Though marijuana is likely to be.
Out of all the drugs? Really, I don't even qualify that as a drug... (says the pothead)
Comprehensible reactions to impossible demands that society and particularly family life places on some sensitive individuals..
Anyways, moving on...
I've read into this a lot, including all the associated illnesses, just about everything.
I've been told, by the internet of course, that without treatment or medication I will continue to isolate myself and my relationships will eventually diminish, etc.. I can see this happening.
But I refuse to believe I'm devellopping schizophrenia, yet.
But I see no other explanation for what's going on. I just don't.
Shattered - Pantera
Insomnia, Amnesia? Hallucinate, Dissociate. Formication, Frustration! Schizophrenia, Anhedonia?!
Wikipedia had been my best friend & my worst enemy this week.
I refuse to admit to being a hypochondriac, I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have been doing more research this week than I did through the whole school year, but I am a horrible student so that doesn't say so much...
I've researched so many illnesses, I didn't know half of them existed or at all what they were.
Most of them mental illnesses of course.
I know hypochondriac's always think there's something wrong with them, they find symptoms to illnesses and make them relate to themselves. This may be what I'm doing, but I'm not normally like that.
Especially since I've grown up with a fucking massively hypochondriac christian grandmother.. I through christian in for fun, just to show she is NOT what I plan to become. I guess maybe I'm just too paranoid of becoming like her that I assume I'm also a hypochondriac, when really I'm just a sick person who doesn't know what to do.
Whatever the case, there's something wrong.
Oh, just a couple more random cell notes I found from I-don't-know-when
"I feel like every song takes me to a new place, I feel like every time I turn on my music I go on a new adventure in my head and it feels more real than anything I've experienced."
"I can't control myself and I don't feel attached to this body. Maybe my minds in the wrong body... Unfortunately for me its not as simple as finding a new goddamn shell, I've certainly outgrown this one."
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
I refuse to admit to being a hypochondriac, I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have been doing more research this week than I did through the whole school year, but I am a horrible student so that doesn't say so much...
I've researched so many illnesses, I didn't know half of them existed or at all what they were.
Most of them mental illnesses of course.
I know hypochondriac's always think there's something wrong with them, they find symptoms to illnesses and make them relate to themselves. This may be what I'm doing, but I'm not normally like that.
Especially since I've grown up with a fucking massively hypochondriac christian grandmother.. I through christian in for fun, just to show she is NOT what I plan to become. I guess maybe I'm just too paranoid of becoming like her that I assume I'm also a hypochondriac, when really I'm just a sick person who doesn't know what to do.
Whatever the case, there's something wrong.
Oh, just a couple more random cell notes I found from I-don't-know-when
"I feel like every song takes me to a new place, I feel like every time I turn on my music I go on a new adventure in my head and it feels more real than anything I've experienced."
"I can't control myself and I don't feel attached to this body. Maybe my minds in the wrong body... Unfortunately for me its not as simple as finding a new goddamn shell, I've certainly outgrown this one."
Through The Glass - Stone Sour
8/2/09
Prep for another horrible night where sleep is replaced by hallucinations
I feel like I've written quite a few posts since I've only
had this blog for a few days or something like that...
That is probably because I've been trying to spend all my time alone, not that I want to be alone.
I feel like that's the best option right now though,
My best friend is on vacation and she's the only one that I feel could put up with me in this state and not think I'm crazy... even if I am.
I miss Jon though, I think I saw him the other day but I can't keep track because I have a memory problem and I have not been sleeping at night so my days blend together.
But I almost broke down infront of him last time he was with me and I'm pretty sure he was confused by the way I was acting. He has not seen half of it, and that worries me, I don't know if he'll be able to deal with me when I'm like this, and I don't want him to have to, to see me in my worst state. And I do have moments where I feel stable and somewhat happy but I know I could breakdown at any moment and scare the shit out of anyone around me, and myself. I've been trying to keep to myself the best I can, my only company has been my music. Satan bless music.
I woke up with one really bloodshot eye, I think it's cause I was trying to pull it out of my face in my episode last night.
Seizure Of Power - Marilyn Manson
All the problems I used to have, had faded. But now, they're escalating.
I definitely have insomnia, there's no doubt left about that. I don't remember the last time I really slept, yet I'm never really awake. I really want to sleep, I need some amount of peace.
I remember one night in grade six, years ago... It was the first night I remember having trouble sleeping due to hallucinations and dissociation. The feelings I get, the things I see and hear; I feel like I'm on some hardcore halucinogen shit. That night I just remember somehow getting out of my bed, running into my door, but making it to my parents bedroom. I got in and collapsed on the ground and just repeatedly said, "I don't know what's going on." They were pissed because I couldn't answer any of their questions, I ended up sleeping with my Mom but she was angry, she had no idea what I was doing but I guess I was freaking her about a bit, I'm sure not nearly as much as I was myself...
This has been happening again for nights now, I'm aware of when it's happening and I feel like I'm tripping out. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting attacked but I manage to calm myself down somehow. I haven't been able to sleep, at all. I just turn my music up full blast and sit on my bed tripping balls. I've hardly smoked any pot this month either. I think I fell asleep last night though, I can't say for sure because I was just having nightmares which aren't too different from my hallucinations. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they haven't experienced how messed up it is for me, they just ask what I hallucinate. But it's indescribable. Last night I almost scratched my face off pulling out some sort of blue plastic. I almost through myself out of my bed because a wasp flew through my head, I have a wasp phobia.Some sort of sheet music I think twirled infront of me and made it's way into my brain and out through my nose. Sometimes my sketches on my walls kindof come to life. This probably all just sounds stupid, but actually experiencing it all night long non-stop and on a smaller scale throughout the whole day is starting to mess with my head.
I never feel in control of my thoughts, my actions, or my words. Things I do just happen and I just feel like I'm standing by, observing myself. Sometimes I see my eyes from behind when I look through them. I've lost it.
Ace Of Spades - Marilyn Manson
I remember one night in grade six, years ago... It was the first night I remember having trouble sleeping due to hallucinations and dissociation. The feelings I get, the things I see and hear; I feel like I'm on some hardcore halucinogen shit. That night I just remember somehow getting out of my bed, running into my door, but making it to my parents bedroom. I got in and collapsed on the ground and just repeatedly said, "I don't know what's going on." They were pissed because I couldn't answer any of their questions, I ended up sleeping with my Mom but she was angry, she had no idea what I was doing but I guess I was freaking her about a bit, I'm sure not nearly as much as I was myself...
This has been happening again for nights now, I'm aware of when it's happening and I feel like I'm tripping out. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting attacked but I manage to calm myself down somehow. I haven't been able to sleep, at all. I just turn my music up full blast and sit on my bed tripping balls. I've hardly smoked any pot this month either. I think I fell asleep last night though, I can't say for sure because I was just having nightmares which aren't too different from my hallucinations. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they haven't experienced how messed up it is for me, they just ask what I hallucinate. But it's indescribable. Last night I almost scratched my face off pulling out some sort of blue plastic. I almost through myself out of my bed because a wasp flew through my head, I have a wasp phobia.Some sort of sheet music I think twirled infront of me and made it's way into my brain and out through my nose. Sometimes my sketches on my walls kindof come to life. This probably all just sounds stupid, but actually experiencing it all night long non-stop and on a smaller scale throughout the whole day is starting to mess with my head.
I never feel in control of my thoughts, my actions, or my words. Things I do just happen and I just feel like I'm standing by, observing myself. Sometimes I see my eyes from behind when I look through them. I've lost it.
Ace Of Spades - Marilyn Manson
8/1/09
Rare thoughts
I still don't fully understand life or anything else and I've come to terms with that. I don't need to understand, I just need to enjoy it while I can. I don't believe theres a reason or a purpose for anything in this world. But it doesn't change the fact that it's here.
I'm a real pessimist but sometimes, times like this one right here, I get a glimpse at what life could be, what it is but I just refuse to see it that way most of the time. I don't let myself because I've seen everything wrong in this world, I've never been naive, and I know nothings going to change. But sometimes I can see it all as one big joke, sometimes all of it's even beautiful.
I just need to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like the wind on my face and through my hair. And how I feel after a nice long shower or the feeling that goes throughout your whole body when you listen to your favourite music and nothing else, or I know I can't get through. Just fucking ignore all the religious assholes, and the attention-seeking sluts, and the leeches to society, and of course society itself; my worst enemy. But it's all really one big joke, in the end what does any of this matter?
We're all dying right now, we're just dying. I wouldn't be phased if I knew I was about to die right here and now, and if I knew I had another 70 years to go, that's 70 more years to make my life at least worth living, I think I could make it...
We're all dying right now, we're just dying. I wouldn't be phased if I knew I was about to die right here and now, and if I knew I had another 70 years to go, that's 70 more years to make my life at least worth living, I think I could make it...
I mean if you don't enjoy life, why live it and die. That's just a major fail.
I don't see why anyone is afraid of dying, it's the easiest part of living. It's the end.
That thought is scary if you haven't lived your life yet, so just fucking live it.
I want to experience everything I can and not worry about death, just be able to accept it.
I guess I have lots more to experience and that excites and worries me, but so what?
Worst case scenario, there's always death, death comes and everything's just... over.
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
I Live Across The Street From The Neighbourhood Pedo
GOD FUCK DAMNIT SHIT FUCK
my whole body is aching, everyone is asleep, and my mind is just so awake. i just cleaned my room, I NEVER CLEAN MY ROOM! i don't clean. 
well i didn't.. apparently now i just don't sleep. My fingers feel like noodles and I'm taking a ten minutes break between each sentence to eat the fuck out of my fingernails. The sky is pale pale blue and i'm still up...
well i didn't.. apparently now i just don't sleep. My fingers feel like noodles and I'm taking a ten minutes break between each sentence to eat the fuck out of my fingernails. The sky is pale pale blue and i'm still up...I feel like mass-murdering everyone, that might kill some energy. Or maybe just taking some shrooms to kill the time. Maybe not a good idea, I'm already hallucinating enough.
I feel like vomiting.
I want juice, I want to move around but I know I'll scare myself. I really would like some juice though...
Road Trippin' - Red Hot Chilipeppers
Relapse
I'm scared.
That I may be slipping into old habits. That when I used to think I was screwed up I really didnt't know the half of it. That my few weeks of happiness didn't come without a price. That I can't figure myself out enough anymore to explain anything to the ones I care about. That I'm a complete dissappointment. That I have actually lost my mind..
Just a couple days ago I almost had a random 
breakdown infront of the guy I'm in love with, he'd never seen me like that. I was also worried, because I'd been fine for what seemed like long enough that I may actually just be.. happy..
breakdown infront of the guy I'm in love with, he'd never seen me like that. I was also worried, because I'd been fine for what seemed like long enough that I may actually just be.. happy..The next day I broke down again; at work. I became completely dissociative. Every few minutes I'd regain conciousness I was either roaming around my work panting and whispering to myself or in a really angry state of mind and swearing, I didn't know what was going on and I couldn't control it. So I went to the first aid-kit.
I was only half aware of what I was doing... but i found a few band-aids so i wouldn't bleed in my clothes when I rushed to the washroom and cut myself.
It was done, I really fucking regretted it that time cause I knew it would piss Jon and Chanelle off, and worried it might become an ongoing thing again. Either way, it gave me enough sanity to make it through the rest of my shift. The only problem was that i went home and did it again, I now have fresh blades wrapped up and ready for use which is kindof tempting. Just a quick relief whenever I need one, I can't find the will to just throw them out but I know I'll be unwrapping them soon and hating myself for it.
I always find I've written stuff down somewhere before or during a meltdown, so here it is this time...
"Never felt so scared. and alone. and is split-personalities something you develop..."
"When people talk about weather like it's an interesting topic, I want to kill myself"
"When people talk about weather like it's an interesting topic, I want to kill myself"
The pictures are just some scarification done early in the year...
The Noose - A Perfect Circle
Realization of Derealization
Dissociative disorders are defined as conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. The hypothesis is that symptoms can result, to the extent of interfering with a person's general functioning, when one or more of these functions is disrupted.
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I can't seem to ever understand myself.
Maybe this will help or maybe it will confuse me more, I'm pretty confused right now..
Most likely no one will read this but I feel slightly more sane typing to no one then whispering to myselves..
I say it in plural because I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel as though I'm developping a dissociative disorder, most common of the four is known to most of us as split-personalities, which I assumed I had, which when I researched I realized that was a symptom to another of the four.
I've suffered from chronic depression, anxiety and the like. But this is different from anything I've been through. So why not write about it? Not a good question, now I feel like stopping..
Anyways whoever you are reading this you probably don't give a fucking shit about what I'm saying so I'm not going to try and make this exciting for you, just so I can read it in years to come and remember how screwed up I was and hopefully appreciate how much more sane I am, or maybe I won't ever read this because I'll be locked up in a basement of some asylum in Kentucky. Either way,.. hm, anyways forgot what I was rambling about because it's most likely not important, nothing is.
I guess for fun I could list all the symptoms I've had, been having of the 2 dissociative disorders I think to have the pleasure of owning. If you can own a disorder.. none the less it's not a pleasure, I hope your not reading this because you have one also, if so I am SO sorry for you.
(DPD) Depersonalization disorder:
-recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization.
-sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it
-feeling a disconnection from one's body; out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality
-dissociation is persistent and interferes with the social and occupational functions
-not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements
-feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions
-stress, subjective threatening social interaction, and unfamiliar environments
-fears of going crazy, brain damage, and losing control are common complaints
-emotional disconnection from those they care about
-deficits in attention, short-term memory and spatial-temporal reasoning
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder
"Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions, intense physical or emotional stimulation, and relaxation."
I stopped cutting and feeling depressed and had very few panic attacks during the time I was getting to know Jon. I fell in love with him so quickly, he's helped me a lot and I hate myself for doing this to him. I don't think I'll be able to convince him that it has nothing to do with him and that I'm just a hopeless failure of a human but that he's keeping me alive and that I love him extremely. I feel bad for him, loving me. But I can't imagine life without him, I feel somewhat selfish for dragging him into this...
Fugue state:
-amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality
-unplanned travel or wandering
-establishment of a new identity
-complete amnesia for the fugue episode
-precipitated by a stressful episode
-confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
significant distress or impairment
-inability to recall important personal information
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_fugue
Wow.
Waste of time, like you fucking care.
Oh well I have nothing better to do I can't sleep and I know if I stop this my night could be as bad as lasts. I think it was last night.
I don't remember it well but I was hallucinating scary shit all night through till 5 am or so
I wandered around my small room ransacking stuff and hiding anything that morphed infront of me so I could relax. I never relaxed. I was angry, I was sad, I was a disaster.
I am, still. I have heard voices in my head :S, sometimes they translate into whispers that fumble out of my mouth without my awareness of it.
I have some notes on my phone I found today from last night I think, I'll write them down here... then I can delete them off my phone so my family doesn't send me to another psychotherapist.
"As far back as I can remember people have told me that there's something wrong with me or that im weird and i just accepted that. There is definitely something wrong with me, ive never been more afraid of something than i am of myself at this moment. 3:49am"
"Someone should really kill me, i couldnt even be upset"
"How many people are inside me?"
"I am so past crazy, utgtgmgpt fuck i want death so bad.. Who the fuck am i typing to not"
"All i want is to be a fruit fly. I didnt choose this life, whoever does didnt make the right choice for me, but i got them back by being such a shitty human"
"Im to young to have DID (dissociative identity disorder)! Maybe im just .. No"
"Kids aren't innocent"
"I think sassy has dementia"
Also, I feel the need to mention I almost killed a kid on my way home from my trip to the quickie for some redbull tonight.. actually. haha my dad was worried I would get killed on the way home, what no one realizes is that I am one of the psychos out there that will kill your daughter when she goes out, im not the daughter.
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I can't seem to ever understand myself.
Maybe this will help or maybe it will confuse me more, I'm pretty confused right now..
Most likely no one will read this but I feel slightly more sane typing to no one then whispering to myselves..
I say it in plural because I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel as though I'm developping a dissociative disorder, most common of the four is known to most of us as split-personalities, which I assumed I had, which when I researched I realized that was a symptom to another of the four.
I've suffered from chronic depression, anxiety and the like. But this is different from anything I've been through. So why not write about it? Not a good question, now I feel like stopping..
Anyways whoever you are reading this you probably don't give a fucking shit about what I'm saying so I'm not going to try and make this exciting for you, just so I can read it in years to come and remember how screwed up I was and hopefully appreciate how much more sane I am, or maybe I won't ever read this because I'll be locked up in a basement of some asylum in Kentucky. Either way,.. hm, anyways forgot what I was rambling about because it's most likely not important, nothing is.
I guess for fun I could list all the symptoms I've had, been having of the 2 dissociative disorders I think to have the pleasure of owning. If you can own a disorder.. none the less it's not a pleasure, I hope your not reading this because you have one also, if so I am SO sorry for you.
(DPD) Depersonalization disorder:
-recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization.
-sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it
-feeling a disconnection from one's body; out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality
-dissociation is persistent and interferes with the social and occupational functions
-not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements
-feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions
-stress, subjective threatening social interaction, and unfamiliar environments
-fears of going crazy, brain damage, and losing control are common complaints
-emotional disconnection from those they care about
-deficits in attention, short-term memory and spatial-temporal reasoning
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder
"Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions, intense physical or emotional stimulation, and relaxation."
I stopped cutting and feeling depressed and had very few panic attacks during the time I was getting to know Jon. I fell in love with him so quickly, he's helped me a lot and I hate myself for doing this to him. I don't think I'll be able to convince him that it has nothing to do with him and that I'm just a hopeless failure of a human but that he's keeping me alive and that I love him extremely. I feel bad for him, loving me. But I can't imagine life without him, I feel somewhat selfish for dragging him into this...
Fugue state:
-amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality
-unplanned travel or wandering
-establishment of a new identity
-complete amnesia for the fugue episode
-precipitated by a stressful episode
-confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
significant distress or impairment
-inability to recall important personal information
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_fugue
Wow.
Waste of time, like you fucking care.
Oh well I have nothing better to do I can't sleep and I know if I stop this my night could be as bad as lasts. I think it was last night.
I don't remember it well but I was hallucinating scary shit all night through till 5 am or so
I wandered around my small room ransacking stuff and hiding anything that morphed infront of me so I could relax. I never relaxed. I was angry, I was sad, I was a disaster.
I am, still. I have heard voices in my head :S, sometimes they translate into whispers that fumble out of my mouth without my awareness of it.
I have some notes on my phone I found today from last night I think, I'll write them down here... then I can delete them off my phone so my family doesn't send me to another psychotherapist.
"As far back as I can remember people have told me that there's something wrong with me or that im weird and i just accepted that. There is definitely something wrong with me, ive never been more afraid of something than i am of myself at this moment. 3:49am"
"Someone should really kill me, i couldnt even be upset"
"How many people are inside me?"
"I am so past crazy, utgtgmgpt fuck i want death so bad.. Who the fuck am i typing to not"
"All i want is to be a fruit fly. I didnt choose this life, whoever does didnt make the right choice for me, but i got them back by being such a shitty human"
"Im to young to have DID (dissociative identity disorder)! Maybe im just .. No"
"Kids aren't innocent"
"I think sassy has dementia"
Also, I feel the need to mention I almost killed a kid on my way home from my trip to the quickie for some redbull tonight.. actually. haha my dad was worried I would get killed on the way home, what no one realizes is that I am one of the psychos out there that will kill your daughter when she goes out, im not the daughter.
*I feel the need to write the name of the song that played as i wrote my blog, which I will continue to finish off with with on all my posts. Why? I don't know, but it's better than just putting my name*
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
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