I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I can't seem to ever understand myself.
Maybe this will help or maybe it will confuse me more, I'm pretty confused right now..
Most likely no one will read this but I feel slightly more sane typing to no one then whispering to myselves..
I say it in plural because I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel as though I'm developping a dissociative disorder, most common of the four is known to most of us as split-personalities, which I assumed I had, which when I researched I realized that was a symptom to another of the four.
I've suffered from chronic depression, anxiety and the like. But this is different from anything I've been through. So why not write about it? Not a good question, now I feel like stopping..
Anyways whoever you are reading this you probably don't give a fucking shit about what I'm saying so I'm not going to try and make this exciting for you, just so I can read it in years to come and remember how screwed up I was and hopefully appreciate how much more sane I am, or maybe I won't ever read this because I'll be locked up in a basement of some asylum in Kentucky. Either way,.. hm, anyways forgot what I was rambling about because it's most likely not important, nothing is.
I guess for fun I could list all the symptoms I've had, been having of the 2 dissociative disorders I think to have the pleasure of owning. If you can own a disorder.. none the less it's not a pleasure, I hope your not reading this because you have one also, if so I am SO sorry for you.
(DPD) Depersonalization disorder:
-recurrent feelings of depersonalization and/or derealization.
-sense of automation, going through the motions of life but not experiencing it
-feeling a disconnection from one's body; out-of-body experience, a detachment from one's body, environment and difficulty relating oneself to reality
-dissociation is persistent and interferes with the social and occupational functions
-not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements
-feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions
-stress, subjective threatening social interaction, and unfamiliar environments
-fears of going crazy, brain damage, and losing control are common complaints
-emotional disconnection from those they care about
-deficits in attention, short-term memory and spatial-temporal reasoning
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder
"Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions, intense physical or emotional stimulation, and relaxation."
I stopped cutting and feeling depressed and had very few panic attacks during the time I was getting to know Jon. I fell in love with him so quickly, he's helped me a lot and I hate myself for doing this to him. I don't think I'll be able to convince him that it has nothing to do with him and that I'm just a hopeless failure of a human but that he's keeping me alive and that I love him extremely. I feel bad for him, loving me. But I can't imagine life without him, I feel somewhat selfish for dragging him into this...
Fugue state:
-amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality
-unplanned travel or wandering
-establishment of a new identity
-complete amnesia for the fugue episode
-precipitated by a stressful episode
-confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
significant distress or impairment
-inability to recall important personal information
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_fugue
Wow.
Waste of time, like you fucking care.
Oh well I have nothing better to do I can't sleep and I know if I stop this my night could be as bad as lasts. I think it was last night.
I don't remember it well but I was hallucinating scary shit all night through till 5 am or so
I wandered around my small room ransacking stuff and hiding anything that morphed infront of me so I could relax. I never relaxed. I was angry, I was sad, I was a disaster.
I am, still. I have heard voices in my head :S, sometimes they translate into whispers that fumble out of my mouth without my awareness of it.
I have some notes on my phone I found today from last night I think, I'll write them down here... then I can delete them off my phone so my family doesn't send me to another psychotherapist.
"As far back as I can remember people have told me that there's something wrong with me or that im weird and i just accepted that. There is definitely something wrong with me, ive never been more afraid of something than i am of myself at this moment. 3:49am"
"Someone should really kill me, i couldnt even be upset"
"How many people are inside me?"
"I am so past crazy, utgtgmgpt fuck i want death so bad.. Who the fuck am i typing to not"
"All i want is to be a fruit fly. I didnt choose this life, whoever does didnt make the right choice for me, but i got them back by being such a shitty human"
"Im to young to have DID (dissociative identity disorder)! Maybe im just .. No"
"Kids aren't innocent"
"I think sassy has dementia"
Also, I feel the need to mention I almost killed a kid on my way home from my trip to the quickie for some redbull tonight.. actually. haha my dad was worried I would get killed on the way home, what no one realizes is that I am one of the psychos out there that will kill your daughter when she goes out, im not the daughter.
*I feel the need to write the name of the song that played as i wrote my blog, which I will continue to finish off with with on all my posts. Why? I don't know, but it's better than just putting my name*
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
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