Relapse

I'm scared.

That I may be slipping into old habits. That when I used to think I was screwed up I really didnt't know the half of it. That my few weeks of happiness didn't come without a price. That I can't figure myself out enough anymore to explain anything to the ones I care about. That I'm a complete dissappointment. That I have actually lost my mind..

Just a couple days ago I almost had a random breakdown infront of the guy I'm in love with, he'd never seen me like that. I was also worried, because I'd been fine for what seemed like long enough that I may actually just be.. happy..

The next day I broke down again; at work. I became completely dissociative. Every few minutes I'd regain conciousness I was either roaming around my work panting and whispering to myself or in a really angry state of mind and swearing, I didn't know what was going on and I couldn't control it. So I went to the first aid-kit.

I was only half aware of what I was doing... but i found a few band-aids so i wouldn't bleed in my clothes when I rushed to the washroom and cut myself.

It was done, I really fucking regretted it that time cause I knew it would piss Jon and Chanelle off, and worried it might become an ongoing thing again. Either way, it gave me enough sanity to make it through the rest of my shift. The only problem was that i went home and did it again, I now have fresh blades wrapped up and ready for use which is kindof tempting. Just a quick relief whenever I need one, I can't find the will to just throw them out but I know I'll be unwrapping them soon and hating myself for it.

I always find I've written stuff down somewhere before or during a meltdown, so here it is this time...

"Never felt so scared. and alone. and is split-personalities something you develop..."
"When people talk about weather like it's an interesting topic, I want to kill myself"

The pictures are just some scarification done early in the year...

The Noose - A Perfect Circle