All the problems I used to have, had faded. But now, they're escalating.

I definitely have insomnia, there's no doubt left about that. I don't remember the last time I really slept, yet I'm never really awake. I really want to sleep, I need some amount of peace.

I remember one night in grade six, years ago... It was the first night I remember having trouble sleeping due to hallucinations and dissociation. The feelings I get, the things I see and hear; I feel like I'm on some hardcore halucinogen shit. That night I just remember somehow getting out of my bed, running into my door, but making it to my parents bedroom. I got in and collapsed on the ground and just repeatedly said, "I don't know what's going on." They were pissed because I couldn't answer any of their questions, I ended up sleeping with my Mom but she was angry, she had no idea what I was doing but I guess I was freaking her about a bit, I'm sure not nearly as much as I was myself...

This has been happening again for nights now, I'm aware of when it's happening and I feel like I'm tripping out. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting attacked but I manage to calm myself down somehow. I haven't been able to sleep, at all. I just turn my music up full blast and sit on my bed tripping balls. I've hardly smoked any pot this month either. I think I fell asleep last night though, I can't say for sure because I was just having nightmares which aren't too different from my hallucinations. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they haven't experienced how messed up it is for me, they just ask what I hallucinate. But it's indescribable. Last night I almost scratched my face off pulling out some sort of blue plastic. I almost through myself out of my bed because a wasp flew through my head, I have a wasp phobia.Some sort of sheet music I think twirled infront of me and made it's way into my brain and out through my nose. Sometimes my sketches on my walls kindof come to life. This probably all just sounds stupid, but actually experiencing it all night long non-stop and on a smaller scale throughout the whole day is starting to mess with my head.
I never feel in control of my thoughts, my actions, or my words. Things I do just happen and I just feel like I'm standing by, observing myself. Sometimes I see my eyes from behind when I look through them. I've lost it.

Ace Of Spades - Marilyn Manson