No internet connection - (posted late)
I am, right now, sitting in the clubhouse as the court attendant at this shitty tennis courts job on a Friday night. It’s quite sad, though I haven’t worked in awhile so I may make it through this shift alive. My best friend has strep throat. My mom found that I had Jon sleepover last night so I’m not allowed to go out for a coupla days, but I can have people over so I’m not too upset over that. Plus alone time is always nice anyways...
I haven’t written recently, since my trip I guess. That’s because, well I guess cause I don’t care enough and that I’ve been trying to get my life on track. Whatever that track is, I’m still not on it and if I am that’s really depressing. Anyways basically I hate using sayings like that but I don’t much know how to put it any better than that.
Everything’s still ultimately fucked.
I think I was born to be alone though, I have difficulty with relationships and I love being alone. I can only cope and have a relationship with very few people, I have to REALLY like them, a motherfucking lot. But still, I know I’m not good enough, for any of this.
If anything happens, meaning I’ll most likely scare Jon away somehow and if something happens to my relationship with Chanelle, I know she can put up with whatever may be wrong with me cause she’s used to it now I don’t see what could separate us… anyways run-on sentence there… I just mean if the relationships I still have now fail, I will never have any others. If I care enough about someone to open up to them and give what I’m capable of to the relationship because I couldn’t live without them, I am with them now. Not at this specific moment obviously. And obviously I’m too confused by everything to write a decent post that makes any sense at all. But there’s no one else in this world I could love enough to want to spend time around, apart from the people I do now. I also wouldn’t want to burden anyone else I could have any relationship with. It’s too late for the people who are already in my life, sucks majjooorrr for them.
I’m too close to the edge now to deal with and strong emotions or any amount of stress.
Work. Planning. Cleaning. Lectures. School. Argument. Children. Asians. Restlessness. My inability to sleep. Conversation. Boredom. Memory Failure. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Relationships. Crowds.
This FFUCCKING world.
It’s too much. Without all of that, I have trouble coping with even myself…
I fucking give up on this post. I can’t express anything I want to this is bullshit.
Respect – Pantera
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